Many single mothers entering the dating scene after many years may quickly realize that things have not changed much. Men generally are all the same…full of games and many tactics and strategies to make you fall for them before they fall for you. Men have a basic way of protecting their feelings – become the chase, not the chaser.
Some may argue that men are always the chaser, but I will argue that men will chase, but it’s all a sophisticated tactic to keep you running behind them, not the other way around. Just think about it for a second, when you first meet a man you are introduced to one of two kinds of men – a really aggressive one or very nonchalant one. Very aggressive tactics are reserved for women who are dying to get and keep a man. Being very nonchalant may work on those women who have been hurt and vow to never get caught up again. These tactics are designed to 1} be the exact man you’ve been praying for by telling you everything you want to hear or 2} being slightly distant enough to become a good friend and learn all the things not to do, do all the right things and become the challenge you cant resist; either way its time to pull out your running shoes.
To be honest, these are smart tactics. No one wants to get hurt; and being hurt behind your man or woman is the worst kind of hurt. Most men are smart and will take special care in protecting their feelings by making sure they have your heart before they give you theirs.
Men fall much slower, but much harder than women. That’s why they are so careful about holding on to their feelings so long, because they realize that once they’re gone, their gone. So don’t be so quick to rush a man into a relationship. Allow him room to protect his feelings and yours while you get to know each other. The care that he puts into protecting his own feelings may be the same care that he later uses to protect yours.
We all have “tactics” or a way of protecting ourselves. Getting to know and trust someone before you give them your heart is smart…no matter what tactic you use.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Wait, what about my 2007 Resolutions?
Today I pulled out last year’s list of New Year’s Resolutions, and although some things made me smile, I have to admit that many made me frown. Staying focused is hard work! It’s just too easy to accept the way things are. After all, things are ok. Of course things could be better, but really everything’s just fine. This may seem a little trite, but it’s true – things are usually ok, and when times seem hard and a little cloudy, everything always seems to somehow work itself out.
So what is it about the beginning of a new year that gets people thinking differently and wanting more?
Here is my simple theory:
We always want more, we deserve more and we can have more, but we’re too tired, stressed out, de-motivated, and simply don’t want it bad enough. The truth is, most of our goals are at our finger tips, and we know it. But never the less, we find ourselves listing out our ambitions and promising positive change at the beginning of each New Year, which really just allows us another year to procrastinate. And, if we’re lucky, we can tick one or two items off the list at the end of the year.
Think back to the time that you wanted something so badly that you said to yourself – “Man I would do anything to make this happen.” Chances are you can’t put your finger on more than a few. Not because you haven’t wanted much, but because most likely you did not have to do much to accomplish your goal. Now think back to the last time things seem to be a little rocky and unstable, and you said to yourself “Man, I don’t know what I am going to do.” I am sure you can recall a few of those times, and I bet with a little effort, what seem like a really difficult situation just magically worked itself out.
The truth is, there was no magic involved, there was just you who got off your tired, stressed out, de-motivated butt and worked it out. My girlfriends and I call this the “Single Mother Hustle.” Fortunately, we all have it in us. Unfortunately, we only leverage it when we are knocked out of our comfort zone.
It’s really quite simple. Don’t resolve to do better, just do better! In fact, don’t write down your goals, write down your strategy. You have to need it, not want it. Don’t waste time on the small stuff, dream big, think outside the box and go for the gusto. Its just a little hustle away!
So what is it about the beginning of a new year that gets people thinking differently and wanting more?
Here is my simple theory:
We always want more, we deserve more and we can have more, but we’re too tired, stressed out, de-motivated, and simply don’t want it bad enough. The truth is, most of our goals are at our finger tips, and we know it. But never the less, we find ourselves listing out our ambitions and promising positive change at the beginning of each New Year, which really just allows us another year to procrastinate. And, if we’re lucky, we can tick one or two items off the list at the end of the year.
Think back to the time that you wanted something so badly that you said to yourself – “Man I would do anything to make this happen.” Chances are you can’t put your finger on more than a few. Not because you haven’t wanted much, but because most likely you did not have to do much to accomplish your goal. Now think back to the last time things seem to be a little rocky and unstable, and you said to yourself “Man, I don’t know what I am going to do.” I am sure you can recall a few of those times, and I bet with a little effort, what seem like a really difficult situation just magically worked itself out.
The truth is, there was no magic involved, there was just you who got off your tired, stressed out, de-motivated butt and worked it out. My girlfriends and I call this the “Single Mother Hustle.” Fortunately, we all have it in us. Unfortunately, we only leverage it when we are knocked out of our comfort zone.
It’s really quite simple. Don’t resolve to do better, just do better! In fact, don’t write down your goals, write down your strategy. You have to need it, not want it. Don’t waste time on the small stuff, dream big, think outside the box and go for the gusto. Its just a little hustle away!
Stand Up in 2008
If you don’t stand up for something, you will easily fall for anything....
My motto for this year is “STAND UP!” This year I vow to stand up for myself in every aspect of my life. I will no longer allow myself to be pushed around by anything or anybody.
First, I vow to stand up to myself. Sometimes I can be my biggest enemy. I find myself always getting in my own way. In fact, I know myself better than anyone and better than I know anyone else, but yet – I always seem to let myself down.
Is it just me, or do you often find yourself feeling disappointed in yourself? Why do we tell ourselves we are going to do it differently next time, but end up failing in the same way each time? Why do we promise to take better care of ourselves, but allow others to treat us any kind of way?
Why – because we are so busy trying not to let anyone else down that we always seem to let ourselves down.
In 2008, stand up for you, take care of you, love you, motivate you, encourage you; then you will find yourself with more patience and time to love on your children and loved ones, more motivation to go the extra mile at work, more dedication to reach some of those long-term goals, and finally – more authority, which demands respect and creates unbelievable confidence that keeps people in check.
If you don’t stand up for you, everything else will easily fall….
My motto for this year is “STAND UP!” This year I vow to stand up for myself in every aspect of my life. I will no longer allow myself to be pushed around by anything or anybody.
First, I vow to stand up to myself. Sometimes I can be my biggest enemy. I find myself always getting in my own way. In fact, I know myself better than anyone and better than I know anyone else, but yet – I always seem to let myself down.
Is it just me, or do you often find yourself feeling disappointed in yourself? Why do we tell ourselves we are going to do it differently next time, but end up failing in the same way each time? Why do we promise to take better care of ourselves, but allow others to treat us any kind of way?
Why – because we are so busy trying not to let anyone else down that we always seem to let ourselves down.
In 2008, stand up for you, take care of you, love you, motivate you, encourage you; then you will find yourself with more patience and time to love on your children and loved ones, more motivation to go the extra mile at work, more dedication to reach some of those long-term goals, and finally – more authority, which demands respect and creates unbelievable confidence that keeps people in check.
If you don’t stand up for you, everything else will easily fall….
Friday, November 30, 2007
Do you boo!
Learning how to feel comfortable in your own skin is like finally finding that peace that allows you to rest after several sleepless nights. Whether you are a single mother by chance or choice, you have found yourself in a situation that you feel judged and viewed less than desirable.
We have become professional fakers! Most of us have mastered several personalities that we can put on and take off in the same manner that we change the outfits that line our closets. One day we are happy in our journey of single motherhood, and we put on our armor of strength and pride and we walk around with this power attitude as if we don’t need anything or anybody. Other days, we are so tired of being sole providers, comforters, and single mothers that we try so hard to fit in with everyone else.
Today I want to encourage you to be you – with no struggle, no extra work; just you. I promise that if you change your focus and learn how to love and appreciate you on any given day, you will see that there is no struggle required to fit into any type of setting.
I remember when I was married and before I had my son, I used to walk around the house butt naked. My husband used to worn me that someone may see me through a window, and I should consider putting on some clothes. But I could care less. My thought was that if someone did happen to see me, I would never know – chances are I did not know them and they would never have an opportunity to tell me. All I knew is that I felt so much more comfortable without clothes, and that seem to outweigh the notion that others may judge me.
It is this same concept that all single mothers should adopt. Even if people secretly judge you, learn how to be happy with who you are because chances are you’ll never know what people truly feel about you anyway. The good news is, it’s true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you…. in this situation anyway.
We have become professional fakers! Most of us have mastered several personalities that we can put on and take off in the same manner that we change the outfits that line our closets. One day we are happy in our journey of single motherhood, and we put on our armor of strength and pride and we walk around with this power attitude as if we don’t need anything or anybody. Other days, we are so tired of being sole providers, comforters, and single mothers that we try so hard to fit in with everyone else.
Today I want to encourage you to be you – with no struggle, no extra work; just you. I promise that if you change your focus and learn how to love and appreciate you on any given day, you will see that there is no struggle required to fit into any type of setting.
I remember when I was married and before I had my son, I used to walk around the house butt naked. My husband used to worn me that someone may see me through a window, and I should consider putting on some clothes. But I could care less. My thought was that if someone did happen to see me, I would never know – chances are I did not know them and they would never have an opportunity to tell me. All I knew is that I felt so much more comfortable without clothes, and that seem to outweigh the notion that others may judge me.
It is this same concept that all single mothers should adopt. Even if people secretly judge you, learn how to be happy with who you are because chances are you’ll never know what people truly feel about you anyway. The good news is, it’s true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you…. in this situation anyway.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Is that your “GUT” talking?
I think all women, not just single mothers, suffer from temporary loss of plain ole good sense when it comes to a man. We want to listen and trust our hearts to lead us down the right path to a successful relationship. And that’s fine as long as we consult our brain and that gut feeling that we seem to get from time to time.
As women, we will wreck our brains trying to figure him out. We will look for patterns and swear we know his next move. We want things to be spelled out in black and white, but the truth is – many times all we need to know is what we already know. Maybe he’s not cheating, but he still does not give you the attention you need. So does that make it ok? “NO!” In a relationship, both parties have a responsibility to give each other what they need. It’s ok to address your gut feeling because many times that’s all that needs to be done to fix an uncomfortable situation.
Let’s call it a woman’s intuition! And although we should never allow it to take over to the point that we don’t see any good in the man we chose or so much that we run him off, we also shouldn’t discount it completely. Is your gut trying to tell you something?
As women, we will wreck our brains trying to figure him out. We will look for patterns and swear we know his next move. We want things to be spelled out in black and white, but the truth is – many times all we need to know is what we already know. Maybe he’s not cheating, but he still does not give you the attention you need. So does that make it ok? “NO!” In a relationship, both parties have a responsibility to give each other what they need. It’s ok to address your gut feeling because many times that’s all that needs to be done to fix an uncomfortable situation.
Let’s call it a woman’s intuition! And although we should never allow it to take over to the point that we don’t see any good in the man we chose or so much that we run him off, we also shouldn’t discount it completely. Is your gut trying to tell you something?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Don't look for Mr. Right, wait for Mr. Right
As single mothers, we sometimes want a man so bad that we find ourselves tweaking the wrong man and trying to make him into the right man that seems to fit perfectly into our lives.
When I thought of this post, I was relaxing in my tub thinking of the outfit I planned to wear the next day. I was trying to match up the outfit with shoes I had in my closet. I thought to myself – “I really need a new pair of shoes; something everyday that will go with practically anything.” I started envisioning these shoes. Then I started thinking about how closely related shopping for shoes is to looking for a man.
See the problem with shoe shopping is we end up buying a shoe that is close to what we originally envisioned as the PERFECT shoe. We tell ourselves that the shoe that we were looking for is probably not out there, and we convince ourselves to buy the shoe that looks good and is close to what we want. I don’t know – maybe this is only my personal shoe shopping experience, but many times I end up buying those shoes and then later finding the shoes that was even closer to what I wanted. The problem is – I have worn the shoes and tweaked my outfit to the point that the shoes that I bought, although they hurt my feet, seem to work or at least work for that outfit.
On the flip side – we sometimes find ourselves shopping for a man in the same way. We look for someone who looks good, and can be easily tweaked to fit our lives – similar to shoe shopping and tweaking. The difference is – those shoes usually end up in the closet with all our other shoes and only see daylight when we pull that outfit out.
The point I am trying to make is – unlike shoes, you cannot tweak a man to fit your life. Men are who they are, and you are who you are. Unless you are willing to change who you are, and tweak yourself to fit him and who he is, then chances are – the same man that you met is the same man that he will remain no matter how hard you try to change him to fit perfectly into your life.
When I thought of this post, I was relaxing in my tub thinking of the outfit I planned to wear the next day. I was trying to match up the outfit with shoes I had in my closet. I thought to myself – “I really need a new pair of shoes; something everyday that will go with practically anything.” I started envisioning these shoes. Then I started thinking about how closely related shopping for shoes is to looking for a man.
See the problem with shoe shopping is we end up buying a shoe that is close to what we originally envisioned as the PERFECT shoe. We tell ourselves that the shoe that we were looking for is probably not out there, and we convince ourselves to buy the shoe that looks good and is close to what we want. I don’t know – maybe this is only my personal shoe shopping experience, but many times I end up buying those shoes and then later finding the shoes that was even closer to what I wanted. The problem is – I have worn the shoes and tweaked my outfit to the point that the shoes that I bought, although they hurt my feet, seem to work or at least work for that outfit.
On the flip side – we sometimes find ourselves shopping for a man in the same way. We look for someone who looks good, and can be easily tweaked to fit our lives – similar to shoe shopping and tweaking. The difference is – those shoes usually end up in the closet with all our other shoes and only see daylight when we pull that outfit out.
The point I am trying to make is – unlike shoes, you cannot tweak a man to fit your life. Men are who they are, and you are who you are. Unless you are willing to change who you are, and tweak yourself to fit him and who he is, then chances are – the same man that you met is the same man that he will remain no matter how hard you try to change him to fit perfectly into your life.
Patience is a virtue
As a single mother, you may often wonder if you will ever love or be loved by a man again. It’s one sad thought that keeps many single mothers up at night. Although we literally share our lives with our kids, we sometimes feel a strong dose of loneliness from time to time. I mean the really tough kind of loneliness; the kind that seem to knock you down and may even bring those uncontrollable tears that just keep coming - the kind of loneliness that only a single mother can relate to.
I know it’s easier said than done, but patience is a virtue. Many times we rush into the wrong relationship out of fear of doing it alone, but sometimes we need that “me” time to get to know our true wants and desires. And if you are like me, you truly believe that God has something great in store for you. He just wants you to be patient long enough to transform you into the woman that can appreciate that man that he will soon bless you with. So get peace in the reality that this is only temporary, and the man that you thought you wanted does not come close to YOUR real man, your real husband. Just keep it on ice and stay cool; your time is nearer than you think.
I know it’s easier said than done, but patience is a virtue. Many times we rush into the wrong relationship out of fear of doing it alone, but sometimes we need that “me” time to get to know our true wants and desires. And if you are like me, you truly believe that God has something great in store for you. He just wants you to be patient long enough to transform you into the woman that can appreciate that man that he will soon bless you with. So get peace in the reality that this is only temporary, and the man that you thought you wanted does not come close to YOUR real man, your real husband. Just keep it on ice and stay cool; your time is nearer than you think.
Monday, November 05, 2007
What’s your purpose?
I will be the first to admit that it’s easy to lose site of your goals and become complacent with living paycheck to paycheck and trying to enjoy the nine to five that allows you to feel safe and secure. After all, your bills are being paid and why try to fix something that is not broken, right? Wrong - life offers so many more opportunities.
“A J.O.B is a blessed opportunity for you to do more”
- Tanisha Warner
I know this is easier said then done, but try looking at your current job as a stepping stone to something better and not as a paycheck. If the steps from your job do not lead to something better, you should strongly consider getting a new job.
The definition of PURPOSE: the object toward which one strives or for which something exists.
Get motivated to find and fulfill your purpose. You only have one life to live, so live life to the fullest!
“A J.O.B is a blessed opportunity for you to do more”
- Tanisha Warner
I know this is easier said then done, but try looking at your current job as a stepping stone to something better and not as a paycheck. If the steps from your job do not lead to something better, you should strongly consider getting a new job.
The definition of PURPOSE: the object toward which one strives or for which something exists.
Get motivated to find and fulfill your purpose. You only have one life to live, so live life to the fullest!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Making men out of boys
Ah, ha! You thought this post was going to be about men who act like boys. Well although that is an interest topic, I am here today to talk about something much more important. And that is making sure some young lady, twenty years from now of course, is not looking your son strait in the eye talking about “didn’t yo mama teach you….”
So how does a single mother teach her young son how to one day become that man that she is proud of?
Although I am sure there are a number of things a man would do different, which all should be at the least researched by a single mother, the most important - I think - is to realize that she is not a man and truly does need the guidance of a man from time to time. However, she should also realize that she is more than capable of raising a God fearing, hard working, and respectable man.
I think there are two mistakes that are very common among single mothers raising sons, and those are:
# 1 - Being overly confident in her task of raising a man – we, as single mothers have to accept the fact that there are some things that a man is going to know how to do better when it come to being man. We can research and read book after book, but we are not going to know everything about standing in front of a urinal, or how to ease the fears of approaching a woman for the first time, and several other things your son will one day experience. I think it is easy for us to imagine what men go through while they are growing into their manhood, but the truth is - men are different from women. And although children go through some of the same experiences while growing up, we will only be able to relate to and remember how it was to experience those events as a female, not as male; and many times the appropriate approach is different. Accepting this fact will help us identify those situations that may be more appropriate for a man to teach, or at least be part of the learning experience for the little men in our lives.
# 2 - Not being confident enough in her task of raising a man – I guarantee you there will be times that you will need to rise to the challenge, and be that man that you wish was there to take control over the situation. And unfortunately, it may be a time where pulling “but, I’m lady” card is not an option. Raising boys into men is hard work, but our boys need us to stay strong and not punk out when those difficult situations arise. Teaching your son how to deal with the pressures of the world, and still respect himself and the people around him, might one day prove to be your most important and difficult task. As a mother, our job is to comfort and nurture, but being there to pat him every time he fails at something may not be the answer. You may have to explain how sometimes, even when you have done it all right, life may still be unfair.
So how does a single mother teach her young son how to one day become that man that she is proud of?
Although I am sure there are a number of things a man would do different, which all should be at the least researched by a single mother, the most important - I think - is to realize that she is not a man and truly does need the guidance of a man from time to time. However, she should also realize that she is more than capable of raising a God fearing, hard working, and respectable man.
I think there are two mistakes that are very common among single mothers raising sons, and those are:
# 1 - Being overly confident in her task of raising a man – we, as single mothers have to accept the fact that there are some things that a man is going to know how to do better when it come to being man. We can research and read book after book, but we are not going to know everything about standing in front of a urinal, or how to ease the fears of approaching a woman for the first time, and several other things your son will one day experience. I think it is easy for us to imagine what men go through while they are growing into their manhood, but the truth is - men are different from women. And although children go through some of the same experiences while growing up, we will only be able to relate to and remember how it was to experience those events as a female, not as male; and many times the appropriate approach is different. Accepting this fact will help us identify those situations that may be more appropriate for a man to teach, or at least be part of the learning experience for the little men in our lives.
# 2 - Not being confident enough in her task of raising a man – I guarantee you there will be times that you will need to rise to the challenge, and be that man that you wish was there to take control over the situation. And unfortunately, it may be a time where pulling “but, I’m lady” card is not an option. Raising boys into men is hard work, but our boys need us to stay strong and not punk out when those difficult situations arise. Teaching your son how to deal with the pressures of the world, and still respect himself and the people around him, might one day prove to be your most important and difficult task. As a mother, our job is to comfort and nurture, but being there to pat him every time he fails at something may not be the answer. You may have to explain how sometimes, even when you have done it all right, life may still be unfair.
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