Let’s talk about “ARROGANCE!”

Is it sexy, or is it extremely annoying? When I think of arrogance, usually, I think of confidence, strong, and certain. But I wonder if I only associate positive words with the word “arrogance” because I am more annoyed by men with extremely low-self-esteem.

Do you ever want to say, “Look, I really like you; but one compliment is nice, and two is flattering, but three in the same setting is border line frustrating”. I mean you say “thank you” then you say “you are so sweet”, but shit – then what - thank you again?

Anyway, back to “arrogance”. At what point is it ok to say, “you are cute and all, but you are not all that?” But then again, if he is all that and he is with you, what does that make you; all that too, right? So, should that make it ok?

Let’s relate this topic to “single motherhood”. Is it possible for a man to assume that he can be a little arrogant, stuck up, or overly confident; when dealing with a single mother, because he feels that we should be happy that he is dealing with us in the first place? I think some men do look at it in that way. I also think if they are looking at in that way then they realize that it is an uneven exchange –meaning they have to step in a roll that is separate from the roll they play with you, which is true. In that case, deal with his arrogant attitude because what’s worst is getting with someone who feels that their relationship is with you and with you alone.

Ok I am a single mother, but what else?

I think, or at least I hope, I have mastered my most difficult and most important task – being a single mother, but what else is there for me, or better yet for all single mothers?

The idea of just accepting that I have to be “alone” is a little sad. Does that mean that I can’t also be a good friend, or a good woman to some potential man? I’ll be honest, it is difficult to add too much onto one plate, but what happens after I put my son to bed at night? Does that mean that there is not a little extra time left for me? Is my mother right, can I only be a good single mother when I am not sharing my time with a man or friends?

In my opinion, this idea adds a little extra struggle to an already difficult and draining task. I think, as a woman, we need a little compassion and companionship. This brings me to an even more important question – what type of man is worthy enough to date a single mother? Ask any single mother and she will tell you that it takes a special kind of man.

In fact, we are much more difficult to deal with. We are very clear about being a package, a complete package I might add – ok almost complete! We are already set in our ways, but at least we know what we want. We are, usually, not willing to accept games or half stepping, but we also don’t play games in return, and we always put our best foot forward. If we mastered the art of taking care of a kid, we damn sure know how to take care of a man.

First, if a man is considering a single mother, he needs to be sure that she, and she alone, is all that he needs. I think when two people really love each other; they also love all the things that are important to that other person. It can be something as small as hobbies and sports. When I look back on past relationships, I can see how my interest changed with my relationships. Don’t get me wrong, my son is no season of football, or a golf game, or even a good workout; but he can be like a tough wrestling match or even a very good stock investment. You have to know what you are getting into, or you will not last one good round.

Just to add a little extra wisdom, a good single mother will make sure that any potential man that comes into her life will know all about the benefits and perks, because that is what they are – perks, and the cost associated with those benefits. After all, just like any other good investment, these complete PACKAGES don’t come cheap.

Ok, that might sound a little like we, me and my son, have a big "For Sale" sign stapled to our heads. No, that is not what I am saying. Single mothers and their kids require time an attention that a single person might not require. It is not just about meeting me out for dinner, or out for drinks – it is about sometimes meeting me at the park, or at a flag football game, where it is going to be exhausting and super hot. These are the sacrifices I speak of, but when a women knows that a man loves her and loves her kids, the “Thank You” comes in much bigger package than the usual – “Thanks for the dinner and drinks”. If you don’t know what I mean, than you have not dated a real single mother.

So now you want to know – "what the hell is soo great about a single mother? Sounds like a lot of work and sacrifices to me!"

Who knew I could love someone this much?

It amazes me -- who knew I could love someone this much? My son cost a bundle, he makes it almost impossible for me to have a personal life, I work hard all day and make a million sacrifices just to support him; still I don’t think I have ever, and probably never will, love anyone as much as I love him. He is my whole life. Being a mother is hard, but the payoff is soo great. It’s true that kids keep you young, but they also keep you happy. There are times when I should be depressed and in tears because life is just so hard, but my son has no worries; and it shows in his face, in his energy, and in all his actions. His happiness’ is my happiness. I can’t help but to laugh when he does something funny, or says something cute; his animation replaces whatever sorrows I experience.

What a blessing it is to a mother; to be trusted with such an enormous responsibility. Being a mother and raising a son is my most important task, and I pray that if I don’t succeed in anything else, I at least succeed in this.

“Baby Daddy Drama”

I know the term “drama” is usually associated with mothers, but fathers can be drama too. Too be honest, I think the drama only occurs when the mother or father want to rekindle old flames that are no longer there.

I had a conversation just the other day with a friend who said, “why is it that men want to act an ass when you are loving them, but then when it is over they either get amnesia, or let you go just long enough to do their own thing and then expect you to take them back?” I explained that I think the problem is -- men don’t realize that women usually have a hard time getting over bad relationships, so when too much time has passed and he finally wants to come back, she is over and done with that. If a man allows a women to live her life without him, she begins to come up with other things that become important too her. So after awhile, the fact that he stayed out all night or didn’t give her the attention she needed becomes small to the other stuff she now looks for in man. In her eyes, he doesn’t come close to the man that she decided she has to have. At this point, she is fine being a single mother, and is probably having a great time; no way is she thinking of settling for the man who hurt her, and doesn’t even come close to the man of her dreams.

I admit there will always be those women who are so shallow and feel any man is better than no man. However, I am willing to bet that those are not the women that these men are trying to get back. I think most strong men can appreciate a strong confident woman, and a woman with confidence does not have time to beg a man to do right or stick around, she will let the chips fall where they fall and play the hand she is dealt.

Women need to realize that you don’t need a sorry ass man to help raise kids, or to feel like a good mother. In fact, single mothers have been raising exceptional adults, including great men, from the beginning of time; without the help of a man.

Check out “Singlemothers.org”, a web site dedicated to single mothers by choice and chance.

http://singlemothers.org

Dating as a single mother

I was raised by a single mother, and every now and then we swap stories of our struggles and joys. There is one story that we can’t seem to relate, and that is dating. My mother believes that once you have kids and you become a single parent, you stay that way until your kids have grown. I believe that if you find someone that loves you and love your kids, you can add a little extra to their lives with that extra person. For example: if you do find that person and you marry, two incomes are always better than one and when you have another person there to help out physically, you have more energy and patience. I do understand where my mother is coming from too. It can be a little dangerous --dragging people in and out of your life; not to mention your kid’s lives.

The hardest part about dating is feeling like you are wasting time. Once you have kids, you are dating for a purpose; you want to know where it is headed and how long it will take to get there. But what happens when it all comes to an end? Do you look for someone else? Do you give it another shot, or do you settle in to your single mother hood?

Time out for "me"!

Time away with friends, or “me” time alone just to chill are times that come few and far in between. As a single parent, there is no such thing as “me” time.

Sometimes I look at it as always having a date, a companion or someone to confide in. But then there are those times that I want an adult’s perspective; those times when I want to know the person I am speaking to knows what the hell I am talking about.

The sad part is when my five year old says something that an adult would actually say. Those are the times that I insist on finding an adult to talk to and another kid for my son to play with. The last thing I want is to stress him out with my adult problems, and possibly force him to grow up so fast that he cannot relate to other kids.

I think it is definitely important for single parents to take time out for them, not just for their sake, but for the sake of their kids. Although you sure miss the hell out of them when their gone :(

The "Joys" or "Sacrifices" - Each day represents a new choice

Lately, I have been pondering over the idea of having another child. I am a single parent, so the idea of adding to the many sacrifices of my current day to day seems ludicrous. Or does it? Some days, the same idea excites me, as this may bring more joy and animation to my life.

Maybe the sacrifices of being a single mother of one are the same as being a single mother of two. What do you think?

One of my girlfriends, Candy, and I had an interesting discussion the other day after I asked her if she felt she was missing out because she had kids. I asked her if it was worth it. I explained how there are times when I get a little envious of the other girls, we grew up with, when they can take off on long weekends whenever the opportunity presents it’s self. Then we both wondered (aloud) how lonely they must get on the weekends they are home alone.