Learning how to feel comfortable in your own skin is like finally finding that peace that allows you to rest after several sleepless nights. Whether you are a single mother by chance or choice, you have found yourself in a situation that you feel judged and viewed less than desirable.
We have become professional fakers! Most of us have mastered several personalities that we can put on and take off in the same manner that we change the outfits that line our closets. One day we are happy in our journey of single motherhood, and we put on our armor of strength and pride and we walk around with this power attitude as if we don’t need anything or anybody. Other days, we are so tired of being sole providers, comforters, and single mothers that we try so hard to fit in with everyone else.
Today I want to encourage you to be you – with no struggle, no extra work; just you. I promise that if you change your focus and learn how to love and appreciate you on any given day, you will see that there is no struggle required to fit into any type of setting.
I remember when I was married and before I had my son, I used to walk around the house butt naked. My husband used to worn me that someone may see me through a window, and I should consider putting on some clothes. But I could care less. My thought was that if someone did happen to see me, I would never know – chances are I did not know them and they would never have an opportunity to tell me. All I knew is that I felt so much more comfortable without clothes, and that seem to outweigh the notion that others may judge me.
It is this same concept that all single mothers should adopt. Even if people secretly judge you, learn how to be happy with who you are because chances are you’ll never know what people truly feel about you anyway. The good news is, it’s true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you…. in this situation anyway.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Is that your “GUT” talking?
I think all women, not just single mothers, suffer from temporary loss of plain ole good sense when it comes to a man. We want to listen and trust our hearts to lead us down the right path to a successful relationship. And that’s fine as long as we consult our brain and that gut feeling that we seem to get from time to time.
As women, we will wreck our brains trying to figure him out. We will look for patterns and swear we know his next move. We want things to be spelled out in black and white, but the truth is – many times all we need to know is what we already know. Maybe he’s not cheating, but he still does not give you the attention you need. So does that make it ok? “NO!” In a relationship, both parties have a responsibility to give each other what they need. It’s ok to address your gut feeling because many times that’s all that needs to be done to fix an uncomfortable situation.
Let’s call it a woman’s intuition! And although we should never allow it to take over to the point that we don’t see any good in the man we chose or so much that we run him off, we also shouldn’t discount it completely. Is your gut trying to tell you something?
As women, we will wreck our brains trying to figure him out. We will look for patterns and swear we know his next move. We want things to be spelled out in black and white, but the truth is – many times all we need to know is what we already know. Maybe he’s not cheating, but he still does not give you the attention you need. So does that make it ok? “NO!” In a relationship, both parties have a responsibility to give each other what they need. It’s ok to address your gut feeling because many times that’s all that needs to be done to fix an uncomfortable situation.
Let’s call it a woman’s intuition! And although we should never allow it to take over to the point that we don’t see any good in the man we chose or so much that we run him off, we also shouldn’t discount it completely. Is your gut trying to tell you something?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Don't look for Mr. Right, wait for Mr. Right
As single mothers, we sometimes want a man so bad that we find ourselves tweaking the wrong man and trying to make him into the right man that seems to fit perfectly into our lives.
When I thought of this post, I was relaxing in my tub thinking of the outfit I planned to wear the next day. I was trying to match up the outfit with shoes I had in my closet. I thought to myself – “I really need a new pair of shoes; something everyday that will go with practically anything.” I started envisioning these shoes. Then I started thinking about how closely related shopping for shoes is to looking for a man.
See the problem with shoe shopping is we end up buying a shoe that is close to what we originally envisioned as the PERFECT shoe. We tell ourselves that the shoe that we were looking for is probably not out there, and we convince ourselves to buy the shoe that looks good and is close to what we want. I don’t know – maybe this is only my personal shoe shopping experience, but many times I end up buying those shoes and then later finding the shoes that was even closer to what I wanted. The problem is – I have worn the shoes and tweaked my outfit to the point that the shoes that I bought, although they hurt my feet, seem to work or at least work for that outfit.
On the flip side – we sometimes find ourselves shopping for a man in the same way. We look for someone who looks good, and can be easily tweaked to fit our lives – similar to shoe shopping and tweaking. The difference is – those shoes usually end up in the closet with all our other shoes and only see daylight when we pull that outfit out.
The point I am trying to make is – unlike shoes, you cannot tweak a man to fit your life. Men are who they are, and you are who you are. Unless you are willing to change who you are, and tweak yourself to fit him and who he is, then chances are – the same man that you met is the same man that he will remain no matter how hard you try to change him to fit perfectly into your life.
When I thought of this post, I was relaxing in my tub thinking of the outfit I planned to wear the next day. I was trying to match up the outfit with shoes I had in my closet. I thought to myself – “I really need a new pair of shoes; something everyday that will go with practically anything.” I started envisioning these shoes. Then I started thinking about how closely related shopping for shoes is to looking for a man.
See the problem with shoe shopping is we end up buying a shoe that is close to what we originally envisioned as the PERFECT shoe. We tell ourselves that the shoe that we were looking for is probably not out there, and we convince ourselves to buy the shoe that looks good and is close to what we want. I don’t know – maybe this is only my personal shoe shopping experience, but many times I end up buying those shoes and then later finding the shoes that was even closer to what I wanted. The problem is – I have worn the shoes and tweaked my outfit to the point that the shoes that I bought, although they hurt my feet, seem to work or at least work for that outfit.
On the flip side – we sometimes find ourselves shopping for a man in the same way. We look for someone who looks good, and can be easily tweaked to fit our lives – similar to shoe shopping and tweaking. The difference is – those shoes usually end up in the closet with all our other shoes and only see daylight when we pull that outfit out.
The point I am trying to make is – unlike shoes, you cannot tweak a man to fit your life. Men are who they are, and you are who you are. Unless you are willing to change who you are, and tweak yourself to fit him and who he is, then chances are – the same man that you met is the same man that he will remain no matter how hard you try to change him to fit perfectly into your life.
Patience is a virtue
As a single mother, you may often wonder if you will ever love or be loved by a man again. It’s one sad thought that keeps many single mothers up at night. Although we literally share our lives with our kids, we sometimes feel a strong dose of loneliness from time to time. I mean the really tough kind of loneliness; the kind that seem to knock you down and may even bring those uncontrollable tears that just keep coming - the kind of loneliness that only a single mother can relate to.
I know it’s easier said than done, but patience is a virtue. Many times we rush into the wrong relationship out of fear of doing it alone, but sometimes we need that “me” time to get to know our true wants and desires. And if you are like me, you truly believe that God has something great in store for you. He just wants you to be patient long enough to transform you into the woman that can appreciate that man that he will soon bless you with. So get peace in the reality that this is only temporary, and the man that you thought you wanted does not come close to YOUR real man, your real husband. Just keep it on ice and stay cool; your time is nearer than you think.
I know it’s easier said than done, but patience is a virtue. Many times we rush into the wrong relationship out of fear of doing it alone, but sometimes we need that “me” time to get to know our true wants and desires. And if you are like me, you truly believe that God has something great in store for you. He just wants you to be patient long enough to transform you into the woman that can appreciate that man that he will soon bless you with. So get peace in the reality that this is only temporary, and the man that you thought you wanted does not come close to YOUR real man, your real husband. Just keep it on ice and stay cool; your time is nearer than you think.
Monday, November 05, 2007
What’s your purpose?
I will be the first to admit that it’s easy to lose site of your goals and become complacent with living paycheck to paycheck and trying to enjoy the nine to five that allows you to feel safe and secure. After all, your bills are being paid and why try to fix something that is not broken, right? Wrong - life offers so many more opportunities.
“A J.O.B is a blessed opportunity for you to do more”
- Tanisha Warner
I know this is easier said then done, but try looking at your current job as a stepping stone to something better and not as a paycheck. If the steps from your job do not lead to something better, you should strongly consider getting a new job.
The definition of PURPOSE: the object toward which one strives or for which something exists.
Get motivated to find and fulfill your purpose. You only have one life to live, so live life to the fullest!
“A J.O.B is a blessed opportunity for you to do more”
- Tanisha Warner
I know this is easier said then done, but try looking at your current job as a stepping stone to something better and not as a paycheck. If the steps from your job do not lead to something better, you should strongly consider getting a new job.
The definition of PURPOSE: the object toward which one strives or for which something exists.
Get motivated to find and fulfill your purpose. You only have one life to live, so live life to the fullest!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Making men out of boys
Ah, ha! You thought this post was going to be about men who act like boys. Well although that is an interest topic, I am here today to talk about something much more important. And that is making sure some young lady, twenty years from now of course, is not looking your son strait in the eye talking about “didn’t yo mama teach you….”
So how does a single mother teach her young son how to one day become that man that she is proud of?
Although I am sure there are a number of things a man would do different, which all should be at the least researched by a single mother, the most important - I think - is to realize that she is not a man and truly does need the guidance of a man from time to time. However, she should also realize that she is more than capable of raising a God fearing, hard working, and respectable man.
I think there are two mistakes that are very common among single mothers raising sons, and those are:
# 1 - Being overly confident in her task of raising a man – we, as single mothers have to accept the fact that there are some things that a man is going to know how to do better when it come to being man. We can research and read book after book, but we are not going to know everything about standing in front of a urinal, or how to ease the fears of approaching a woman for the first time, and several other things your son will one day experience. I think it is easy for us to imagine what men go through while they are growing into their manhood, but the truth is - men are different from women. And although children go through some of the same experiences while growing up, we will only be able to relate to and remember how it was to experience those events as a female, not as male; and many times the appropriate approach is different. Accepting this fact will help us identify those situations that may be more appropriate for a man to teach, or at least be part of the learning experience for the little men in our lives.
# 2 - Not being confident enough in her task of raising a man – I guarantee you there will be times that you will need to rise to the challenge, and be that man that you wish was there to take control over the situation. And unfortunately, it may be a time where pulling “but, I’m lady” card is not an option. Raising boys into men is hard work, but our boys need us to stay strong and not punk out when those difficult situations arise. Teaching your son how to deal with the pressures of the world, and still respect himself and the people around him, might one day prove to be your most important and difficult task. As a mother, our job is to comfort and nurture, but being there to pat him every time he fails at something may not be the answer. You may have to explain how sometimes, even when you have done it all right, life may still be unfair.
So how does a single mother teach her young son how to one day become that man that she is proud of?
Although I am sure there are a number of things a man would do different, which all should be at the least researched by a single mother, the most important - I think - is to realize that she is not a man and truly does need the guidance of a man from time to time. However, she should also realize that she is more than capable of raising a God fearing, hard working, and respectable man.
I think there are two mistakes that are very common among single mothers raising sons, and those are:
# 1 - Being overly confident in her task of raising a man – we, as single mothers have to accept the fact that there are some things that a man is going to know how to do better when it come to being man. We can research and read book after book, but we are not going to know everything about standing in front of a urinal, or how to ease the fears of approaching a woman for the first time, and several other things your son will one day experience. I think it is easy for us to imagine what men go through while they are growing into their manhood, but the truth is - men are different from women. And although children go through some of the same experiences while growing up, we will only be able to relate to and remember how it was to experience those events as a female, not as male; and many times the appropriate approach is different. Accepting this fact will help us identify those situations that may be more appropriate for a man to teach, or at least be part of the learning experience for the little men in our lives.
# 2 - Not being confident enough in her task of raising a man – I guarantee you there will be times that you will need to rise to the challenge, and be that man that you wish was there to take control over the situation. And unfortunately, it may be a time where pulling “but, I’m lady” card is not an option. Raising boys into men is hard work, but our boys need us to stay strong and not punk out when those difficult situations arise. Teaching your son how to deal with the pressures of the world, and still respect himself and the people around him, might one day prove to be your most important and difficult task. As a mother, our job is to comfort and nurture, but being there to pat him every time he fails at something may not be the answer. You may have to explain how sometimes, even when you have done it all right, life may still be unfair.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Who is benefiting from your struggle??
Let’s face it – times are hard! Everybody seems to be struggling, and most single mothers will argue that we have it even harder than most. And in most cases, that’s true for all the obvious reasons – baby daddy trippin and only wants to help some of the time, kids begging for stuff they don’t need, unplanned expenses popping up at all the wrong times, and everything is being handled with one income and by one person.
With all that being said, why is it that many single mothers find themselves kinda sorta taking care of a man in addition to all her normal said responsibilities. I’m not talking about making him soup when he’s not feeling well, or even giving him a ride when his car is in the shop. I’m talking about letting his grown butt lay up in your house that you pay for, drive around in your car that you pay the note on, watching your cable on your TV, enjoying your air condition, and eating up your food.
Let me explain with one of my several theories on this subject:
Theory # 1 – it starts out very innocent. You have kids, so once you get comfortable enough with your new man around your family, he starts to hang around all the time, which makes you feel like you are in hog heaven. Your regular system of doing things starts to come back together – you can come home and relax in your own space, take care of things around the house, cook dinner for your children and get them to bed on time; everything is working out perfectly. You are no longer running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to be three different women in three different places. You can relax, and enjoy your life with the added pleasure of having a man around.
Of course he is also happy , and at first he shows his appreciation for all the free meals – along with other free “stuff” you’ve been giving up - by helping out around the house, buying groceries and other normal stuff you would expect from your man. You notice things are being fixed around the house, the kids are no longer asking you a million questions because they finally have someone else to talk to, you have someone to pick up thing from the store from time to time, which all seems to be a huge help and added benefit.
Then one day he starts to see that he has been a real asset to your routine…plus you are always telling him how sweet he is for all the nice things that he does when he doesn’t have to. So he starts to relax, because now he thinks you need him. The more and more he relaxes, the more you notice that you seem to buy more toothpaste, washing powder, tissue paper, and pretty much everything since he has started hanging around. Ironically he doesn’t notice any change in his spending habits. In fact, if you listen closely you might hear him make comments about how his light bill is finally under control, or how he has finally managed to stop eating out so much. Sounds familiar right! Mmm,mmm!
Well, before I close theory # 1, let me give you a little advice. The answer is not about going back to an impossible schedule trying to be several people at once. The answer is – communicate, communicate, communicate. Now that does mean cursing him out once a day and calling him a sorry ass. That means showing him, with kind words of course, how this new system can work for both of you. However, make sure you include the most important message – “I can do bad by myself,” “My momma didn’t raise no fool;” I am sure you can come up with a bunch more that mean roughly the same thing. Oh, and don’t use those words, just the message. The point is for him to get better, but also stick around.
TO BE CONTINUED – Theory # 2
With all that being said, why is it that many single mothers find themselves kinda sorta taking care of a man in addition to all her normal said responsibilities. I’m not talking about making him soup when he’s not feeling well, or even giving him a ride when his car is in the shop. I’m talking about letting his grown butt lay up in your house that you pay for, drive around in your car that you pay the note on, watching your cable on your TV, enjoying your air condition, and eating up your food.
Let me explain with one of my several theories on this subject:
Theory # 1 – it starts out very innocent. You have kids, so once you get comfortable enough with your new man around your family, he starts to hang around all the time, which makes you feel like you are in hog heaven. Your regular system of doing things starts to come back together – you can come home and relax in your own space, take care of things around the house, cook dinner for your children and get them to bed on time; everything is working out perfectly. You are no longer running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to be three different women in three different places. You can relax, and enjoy your life with the added pleasure of having a man around.
Of course he is also happy , and at first he shows his appreciation for all the free meals – along with other free “stuff” you’ve been giving up - by helping out around the house, buying groceries and other normal stuff you would expect from your man. You notice things are being fixed around the house, the kids are no longer asking you a million questions because they finally have someone else to talk to, you have someone to pick up thing from the store from time to time, which all seems to be a huge help and added benefit.
Then one day he starts to see that he has been a real asset to your routine…plus you are always telling him how sweet he is for all the nice things that he does when he doesn’t have to. So he starts to relax, because now he thinks you need him. The more and more he relaxes, the more you notice that you seem to buy more toothpaste, washing powder, tissue paper, and pretty much everything since he has started hanging around. Ironically he doesn’t notice any change in his spending habits. In fact, if you listen closely you might hear him make comments about how his light bill is finally under control, or how he has finally managed to stop eating out so much. Sounds familiar right! Mmm,mmm!
Well, before I close theory # 1, let me give you a little advice. The answer is not about going back to an impossible schedule trying to be several people at once. The answer is – communicate, communicate, communicate. Now that does mean cursing him out once a day and calling him a sorry ass. That means showing him, with kind words of course, how this new system can work for both of you. However, make sure you include the most important message – “I can do bad by myself,” “My momma didn’t raise no fool;” I am sure you can come up with a bunch more that mean roughly the same thing. Oh, and don’t use those words, just the message. The point is for him to get better, but also stick around.
TO BE CONTINUED – Theory # 2
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Meet Coco - the other me!
Being someone’s mother can sometimes take all the fun out of being a woman – a single woman at that. Just because we spend most of our time taking care of others, does not mean that we don’t need a little TLC for ourselves every now and then.
I know, I know; sometimes hanging out TRYING to enjoy the nightlife can be more work than what it's worth. On those difficult nights, try playing dress up and give yourself a new name and a new attitude.
Just a few days ago, I tried being someone else and actually succeeded and had the time of my life.
Please meet Candy, I mean Coco; she is a 24 year old graduate student with no kids and no man. Take a good look because she doesn’t get out often.
I know, I know; sometimes hanging out TRYING to enjoy the nightlife can be more work than what it's worth. On those difficult nights, try playing dress up and give yourself a new name and a new attitude.
Just a few days ago, I tried being someone else and actually succeeded and had the time of my life.
Please meet Candy, I mean Coco; she is a 24 year old graduate student with no kids and no man. Take a good look because she doesn’t get out often.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Who’s easier – women in their 30s or 20s?
Recently, I read an article that addressed this very question. After reading the article, written by a man, I thought about the many different views that are out there as it relates to women and promiscuity. Even in this day and age, the debate over sexual equality continues.
I could talk all day about how men and women are more equal than most may think when it relates to sexual equality, but that is a different subject entirely.
The question today is: Who’s easier – women in their 30s or 20s?
Before posting this post, I pose this question to a few friends, and one answer seemed to really hold my attention. Hopefully it will hold yours:
He said:
TRUST ME! I can safely say in my experience that women in general are much more full of s**t than men. They also have a veritable checklist they must go down before they give the green light for sex! Being a nice guy, good looking, and smart with a good job just gets you past the preliminary phase these days. Finding a woman that isn't in a bulls***t phase of her life is the true challenge and unfortunately women in their 30s usually are in that phase because they've been burned by a divorce or "some guy" who they can't get over for whatever reason. So if I am looking for sex with no headaches attached, I am safer looking at the women in their 20’s.
She said (me – of course):
I would say that my opinion is just the opposite. Most women, especially those in their 30s, are past the bulls**t stage. In fact, that is part of the reason that it may appear that they don't know what they want; when in fact - they know exactly what they want. I think most women at my age, can see right through most of the bulls**t and that is why they don't just fall all over themselves and every guy that comes in their path.
When you are twenty something, you are excited about every new relationship. However, most twenty year olds are somewhat selective, and things like good looks and money are all that concerns them. Anyone who comes with whatever they think they want at that point in their lives - they go for. In other words, most men are being used by women in their 20s - the twenty somethings that are worth getting to know anyway.
Thirty somethings, however, are probably not trying to use anyone. They are looking long-term, and don't have time to waste on the "right now." They are looking for someone that can make them happy for the rest of their lives. With that being said, they are probably even more selective then when they were twenty. If good looks is what they want, they are not willing to settle for someone they do not find attractive. They are probably more than capable of taking care of themselves financially, so if money turns them on - he better have more than just a little. I think women in their thirties have pretty much tried it all, so they know what they want and -if single- they are waiting and searching for their complete package.
However, as it relates to this question – I would have to say that it may be easier to sleep with a woman in her 30s. As mentioned before, women in their 30s know what they want – even if that is just sex. We realize that sex does not make the package; it’s just one of the many ingredients.
To the men – just because you have her sexually, does not mean you have her. In fact, if it was real ‘easy,’ she may not have any more plans for you. Oh - you thought that rule only applied to women…. No, men also are judged on how easy they are….
I could talk all day about how men and women are more equal than most may think when it relates to sexual equality, but that is a different subject entirely.
The question today is: Who’s easier – women in their 30s or 20s?
Before posting this post, I pose this question to a few friends, and one answer seemed to really hold my attention. Hopefully it will hold yours:
He said:
TRUST ME! I can safely say in my experience that women in general are much more full of s**t than men. They also have a veritable checklist they must go down before they give the green light for sex! Being a nice guy, good looking, and smart with a good job just gets you past the preliminary phase these days. Finding a woman that isn't in a bulls***t phase of her life is the true challenge and unfortunately women in their 30s usually are in that phase because they've been burned by a divorce or "some guy" who they can't get over for whatever reason. So if I am looking for sex with no headaches attached, I am safer looking at the women in their 20’s.
She said (me – of course):
I would say that my opinion is just the opposite. Most women, especially those in their 30s, are past the bulls**t stage. In fact, that is part of the reason that it may appear that they don't know what they want; when in fact - they know exactly what they want. I think most women at my age, can see right through most of the bulls**t and that is why they don't just fall all over themselves and every guy that comes in their path.
When you are twenty something, you are excited about every new relationship. However, most twenty year olds are somewhat selective, and things like good looks and money are all that concerns them. Anyone who comes with whatever they think they want at that point in their lives - they go for. In other words, most men are being used by women in their 20s - the twenty somethings that are worth getting to know anyway.
Thirty somethings, however, are probably not trying to use anyone. They are looking long-term, and don't have time to waste on the "right now." They are looking for someone that can make them happy for the rest of their lives. With that being said, they are probably even more selective then when they were twenty. If good looks is what they want, they are not willing to settle for someone they do not find attractive. They are probably more than capable of taking care of themselves financially, so if money turns them on - he better have more than just a little. I think women in their thirties have pretty much tried it all, so they know what they want and -if single- they are waiting and searching for their complete package.
However, as it relates to this question – I would have to say that it may be easier to sleep with a woman in her 30s. As mentioned before, women in their 30s know what they want – even if that is just sex. We realize that sex does not make the package; it’s just one of the many ingredients.
To the men – just because you have her sexually, does not mean you have her. In fact, if it was real ‘easy,’ she may not have any more plans for you. Oh - you thought that rule only applied to women…. No, men also are judged on how easy they are….
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
What’s your worth?
I am proud to say that I have been blessed with some really strong friends. For every issue I experience in my life, there is someone who I can lean on because they know exactly what I am going through. I say they’re strong because although many of them have experienced some real hardship, they have all come out on top.
Part of their strength results from having the ability to put the past behind them without dwelling on a bunch of could’a, should’a, would ‘as.
Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong,
but sometimes it's letting go.
What’s interesting about the statement above – there are many things that bring drama into our lives. It could be problems on the job, a struggle with a family member, money issues, etc… But have you ever noticed that it is usually the drama we encounter when dealing with a man, or our romantic relationships that seem to keep us down. Even when we have made up our minds that it’s over and we are going to put it in the past, we still struggle with letting go. Why is that? Is he really worth all that pain? Aren’t you worth so much more than the heart ache you receive in dead end, broken relationships?
I think the problem is we evaluate, and re-evaluate over and over again just to answer the question of whether or not he is worth it. But, what should be most important ‘to you’ is your worth.
With that being said, I am sure you can appreciate the following popular encounter between a strong woman and a man who noticed her strength:
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was
pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly
for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to
know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound...
"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can
do for me that I can't do for myself. What can you bring to the table?”
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought and stated,“I am worth so much more than money. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."
- perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation; I don't need a simple-minded man.
- perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked; believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
- perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden; the # 1 cause for divorce is money issues. .
“I can only respect and follow a man that is striving to be the best him that he can be. Otherwise, I would not be striving to be the best me that I can be.”
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, "You are asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
Part of their strength results from having the ability to put the past behind them without dwelling on a bunch of could’a, should’a, would ‘as.
Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong,
but sometimes it's letting go.
What’s interesting about the statement above – there are many things that bring drama into our lives. It could be problems on the job, a struggle with a family member, money issues, etc… But have you ever noticed that it is usually the drama we encounter when dealing with a man, or our romantic relationships that seem to keep us down. Even when we have made up our minds that it’s over and we are going to put it in the past, we still struggle with letting go. Why is that? Is he really worth all that pain? Aren’t you worth so much more than the heart ache you receive in dead end, broken relationships?
I think the problem is we evaluate, and re-evaluate over and over again just to answer the question of whether or not he is worth it. But, what should be most important ‘to you’ is your worth.
With that being said, I am sure you can appreciate the following popular encounter between a strong woman and a man who noticed her strength:
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was
pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly
for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to
know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound...
"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can
do for me that I can't do for myself. What can you bring to the table?”
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought and stated,“I am worth so much more than money. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."
- perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation; I don't need a simple-minded man.
- perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked; believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
- perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden; the # 1 cause for divorce is money issues. .
“I can only respect and follow a man that is striving to be the best him that he can be. Otherwise, I would not be striving to be the best me that I can be.”
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, "You are asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
Friday, July 20, 2007
Sacrifice for True Love - Part II
It is so nice to have real comments. I like to believe that my posts are worth talking about, and apparently this one was. So, big, huge “thank you” to Eyes Q and Gene for contributing these insightful comments:
Eyes Q - Awe, that is really sweet, but I have to disagree. Perhaps that is because I don’t have children. I really feel that when you are a single mother you have a "handicap" like anyone else i.e. minorities, women, gays. You just have to work that much harder to accomplish those goals and raise your children. You have a motivator that a lot of us don’t have. Who says you can’t do it all? I was reading an article in money magazine a little while back and they discussed a single mother who had managed to create a wonderful life for both herself and her 4 year old son. She said that she just knew there was no longer a choice; she had to work harder and make sure that things worked out. I don’t think single parents, mothers or fathers, should use their children as a crutch, but to drive them to pursue even more outlandish dreams.
Gene - I agree to a certain extent, but what I got out of it was the fact that once you have a kid, your life changes. That also includes your dreams. It isn’t to say you are letting your dreams go; you just want something different now. As individuals get older and mature the point-of-view on life changes for the most part. Having a child is a life changing experience. Parents look at the world with different lenses than those who don’t have kids.
Tanisha - When a single mother says that she realizes there are some dreams that will have to be put on the back burner, she is not saying that she has completely given up. She is being realistic with herself, which is a requirement of being a good mother. We all know of mothers who are not willing to make that sacrifice, and their children end up suffering and paying the price for their selfishness.
The example offered in Money Magazine is where a single mother starts. Of course we can make it; making it is a given. It’s the extras that we’re talking about here. How often will I have to give up my extras in order to provide for my child??
Let's be real here, I know that I could do so much more financially if I did not have my son’s daycare, clothes, activities, etc... to pay for. The point is, I had to re-evaluate my plans, goals, etc... And, it’s true – some goals and desires have changed because I am a different person now, and some of what was important to me is no longer a desire.
In the beginning of this post, I gave examples of big sacrifices and little sacrifices. I feel that those realistic things that are in reach - while I am a single mother - are those small sacrifices that I may have to put off a paycheck, month, year or years, but are still obtainable goals and will happen. And the big sacrifices are the ones that many single mothers may have to put off for later, but fortunately for us – we have a much better trade off, so it’s still all good!
Eyes Q - Awe, that is really sweet, but I have to disagree. Perhaps that is because I don’t have children. I really feel that when you are a single mother you have a "handicap" like anyone else i.e. minorities, women, gays. You just have to work that much harder to accomplish those goals and raise your children. You have a motivator that a lot of us don’t have. Who says you can’t do it all? I was reading an article in money magazine a little while back and they discussed a single mother who had managed to create a wonderful life for both herself and her 4 year old son. She said that she just knew there was no longer a choice; she had to work harder and make sure that things worked out. I don’t think single parents, mothers or fathers, should use their children as a crutch, but to drive them to pursue even more outlandish dreams.
Gene - I agree to a certain extent, but what I got out of it was the fact that once you have a kid, your life changes. That also includes your dreams. It isn’t to say you are letting your dreams go; you just want something different now. As individuals get older and mature the point-of-view on life changes for the most part. Having a child is a life changing experience. Parents look at the world with different lenses than those who don’t have kids.
Tanisha - When a single mother says that she realizes there are some dreams that will have to be put on the back burner, she is not saying that she has completely given up. She is being realistic with herself, which is a requirement of being a good mother. We all know of mothers who are not willing to make that sacrifice, and their children end up suffering and paying the price for their selfishness.
The example offered in Money Magazine is where a single mother starts. Of course we can make it; making it is a given. It’s the extras that we’re talking about here. How often will I have to give up my extras in order to provide for my child??
Let's be real here, I know that I could do so much more financially if I did not have my son’s daycare, clothes, activities, etc... to pay for. The point is, I had to re-evaluate my plans, goals, etc... And, it’s true – some goals and desires have changed because I am a different person now, and some of what was important to me is no longer a desire.
In the beginning of this post, I gave examples of big sacrifices and little sacrifices. I feel that those realistic things that are in reach - while I am a single mother - are those small sacrifices that I may have to put off a paycheck, month, year or years, but are still obtainable goals and will happen. And the big sacrifices are the ones that many single mothers may have to put off for later, but fortunately for us – we have a much better trade off, so it’s still all good!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Sacrifice for True Love
When I think of the term “sacrifice,” I think of giving up major desires. Not just those little things that I kinda want or like a little. I mean MAJOR desires – like giving up the opportunity to travel overseas once a year, or live in a 5,000 square foot house, or buy a hundred thousand dollar car. I realize there are small sacrifices like temporarily putting off buying new furniture or buying a new 2006 model car instead of the higher priced 2007, but I am not sure I would call these small things real sacrifices. Especially when you think about making sacrifices for love, and surely when you are talking about the love for your children.
I believe that most single mothers would agree that the love we have for our kids might be the only love that we truly consider “true love,” and might be the only love we would consider making sacrifices for. Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the reason that we are single. Maybe we are not willing to work as hard or make big enough sacrifices for the love of a man, but that is another post on another day.
I had a conversation with one of my close friends today and she was explaining how she has to give up certain desires that she has because money is tight right now. This should become the single mother’s anthem because we can all relate to being here at one time or another. But she said something that really stood out to me. She said:
I am letting go of a lot of my outlandish dreams I had. I have to face a cruel reality - I am alone and I am raising my kids alone and when it comes down to it all they really have is me. I have to be in a position to provide for them and give them a chance at a decent life. So that means giving up on some of my dreams.. That just comes with the territory of being a single mom. I had to make myself be ok with that.
After she said that - completely being able to relate - I thought about my outlandish dreams. And I realize that I really didn’t have any outlandish dreams. Of course I have dreams, but I wondered if I too at some point given up on all my big dreams as a result of being a single mother.
After giving this idea some real thought, I have come to the conclusion that basically this is true. See, I believe that our children become our biggest dream and desire, and they somehow automatically outweigh all the tangible dreams and desires that we once had. We naturally make sacrifices for the true love we have for our children, and while we are raising them we get our pleasure and desire from being a good mother.
My advice in this situation is to take those outlandish desires and dreams that we are not able to do right now, and understand that these are really just small sacrifices compared to our babies. Most of the outlandish dreams that we once had, will become small potatoes by the time we are in a position to actually enjoy those things after we have finished our most important job of raising our children.
So, single mother, hold your head up high and enjoy the true desires of life, and that is the blessing that you tuck in every night!
I believe that most single mothers would agree that the love we have for our kids might be the only love that we truly consider “true love,” and might be the only love we would consider making sacrifices for. Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the reason that we are single. Maybe we are not willing to work as hard or make big enough sacrifices for the love of a man, but that is another post on another day.
I had a conversation with one of my close friends today and she was explaining how she has to give up certain desires that she has because money is tight right now. This should become the single mother’s anthem because we can all relate to being here at one time or another. But she said something that really stood out to me. She said:
I am letting go of a lot of my outlandish dreams I had. I have to face a cruel reality - I am alone and I am raising my kids alone and when it comes down to it all they really have is me. I have to be in a position to provide for them and give them a chance at a decent life. So that means giving up on some of my dreams.. That just comes with the territory of being a single mom. I had to make myself be ok with that.
After she said that - completely being able to relate - I thought about my outlandish dreams. And I realize that I really didn’t have any outlandish dreams. Of course I have dreams, but I wondered if I too at some point given up on all my big dreams as a result of being a single mother.
After giving this idea some real thought, I have come to the conclusion that basically this is true. See, I believe that our children become our biggest dream and desire, and they somehow automatically outweigh all the tangible dreams and desires that we once had. We naturally make sacrifices for the true love we have for our children, and while we are raising them we get our pleasure and desire from being a good mother.
My advice in this situation is to take those outlandish desires and dreams that we are not able to do right now, and understand that these are really just small sacrifices compared to our babies. Most of the outlandish dreams that we once had, will become small potatoes by the time we are in a position to actually enjoy those things after we have finished our most important job of raising our children.
So, single mother, hold your head up high and enjoy the true desires of life, and that is the blessing that you tuck in every night!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
You go girl!
Single Mothers have become experts in the area of “cheerleading.” We love to root our babies on, even on some of their smallest accomplishments. It’s true, they are a product of us and when they do well, that just means that we have done well.
Sometimes we are so busy looking out for the next opportunity to congratulate our kids on their accomplishments, we forget to pat ourselves on the back when we have met our goals or accomplished a task set before us.
Last night before I laid down for the night, I knelt beside my bed and thanked God for all His many blessings and the many things that I have to be thankful for. It was at that moment that I realized that I had forgotten to celebrate myself and the major accomplishment that I had worked so hard to achieve. So I took that opportunity to look myself square in the eye, using my bathroom mirror, and spoke out with a loud confident voice - “You Go Girl!” I walked around my new house cheezing from cheek to cheek because I had done this, and I am not shame to be proud.
Part of the joy of being proud of yourself, is it feels great and it makes you want to look for more opportunities to meet your goals. Not to mention the lessons that you are giving your kids, just by leading by example. One of the greatest feelings that you will probably ever feel is when your children understand your sacrifices and they look at you, and say “good job mom!” or “I am proud of you mom.” It may not happen until you are grandmother, but the feeling will be so powerful, it may even bring tears to your eyes.
Sometimes we are so busy looking out for the next opportunity to congratulate our kids on their accomplishments, we forget to pat ourselves on the back when we have met our goals or accomplished a task set before us.
Last night before I laid down for the night, I knelt beside my bed and thanked God for all His many blessings and the many things that I have to be thankful for. It was at that moment that I realized that I had forgotten to celebrate myself and the major accomplishment that I had worked so hard to achieve. So I took that opportunity to look myself square in the eye, using my bathroom mirror, and spoke out with a loud confident voice - “You Go Girl!” I walked around my new house cheezing from cheek to cheek because I had done this, and I am not shame to be proud.
Part of the joy of being proud of yourself, is it feels great and it makes you want to look for more opportunities to meet your goals. Not to mention the lessons that you are giving your kids, just by leading by example. One of the greatest feelings that you will probably ever feel is when your children understand your sacrifices and they look at you, and say “good job mom!” or “I am proud of you mom.” It may not happen until you are grandmother, but the feeling will be so powerful, it may even bring tears to your eyes.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Single Mother – Defined
S – Single female in search of the perfect family man.
I – Independent woman; somewhat reluctant to release her inner woman
N- No-nonsense when it comes to needy, inexperienced men
G – Girl on a mission
L-Little tolerance for games and anything else stressful
E- Eager to please the right man
M – Mature mother made to be maternal to both her kids and her man
O – Optimistic female with hopes and dreams of finally being in a complete relationship
T – Tolerant only to those things that matter the most
H – Happy for the most part, but generally not interested in playing games
E – Everlasting love dwells within her, and should be considered a rare but valuable treasure.
R – Really difficult to deal with at times because of being so determined to not waste time
I – Independent woman; somewhat reluctant to release her inner woman
N- No-nonsense when it comes to needy, inexperienced men
G – Girl on a mission
L-Little tolerance for games and anything else stressful
E- Eager to please the right man
M – Mature mother made to be maternal to both her kids and her man
O – Optimistic female with hopes and dreams of finally being in a complete relationship
T – Tolerant only to those things that matter the most
H – Happy for the most part, but generally not interested in playing games
E – Everlasting love dwells within her, and should be considered a rare but valuable treasure.
R – Really difficult to deal with at times because of being so determined to not waste time
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Compatibility vs. Attraction – Don’t get it twisted
• Compatibility – derived from the term companionship; “harmony,” which can be summed up as the ability to share common goals, interest, beliefs, etc … in order to live in harmony.
• Attraction - a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive features, good sex, money, prestige, family values, etc…
So as you can see, being attracted to someone does not mean that you are compatible or a good match for that person.
Ask yourself some tough questions:
• If the physical attraction was not there, would I be?
• If this person was not financially stable, could I still share my life with them?
Ok, you get my point!
Don’t get me wrong, all these things are important. The two should go hand in hand, and a separate weight or value should be placed on them individually and should all be dependent on what’s most important to you.
Look at it this way - of course you want him to be cute, but is it more important than sharing common interest? You could end up with this fine sexy man at home that never wants to go out with you; or vice versa. On the flip side, what if he likes jazz and cultural settings and you prefer hip hop and the urban night life, but when the music and the lights are off, the two of you have earth shattering bomb ass sex? You might consider jazz, right?
The point is, it is important to understand that the two are different, but equally important, so don’t allow yourself to be overly distracted by just one. Many attractive characteristics could be temporary, and when they go, you will need some compatible characteristics to fall back on in order to maintain the harmony.
Top five items to question and explore in order to determine compatibility:
1. Kids
2. Faith
3. Career
4. Activity level
5. Sex and intimacy
Courtesy of www.datingadvice101.com
• Attraction - a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive features, good sex, money, prestige, family values, etc…
So as you can see, being attracted to someone does not mean that you are compatible or a good match for that person.
Ask yourself some tough questions:
• If the physical attraction was not there, would I be?
• If this person was not financially stable, could I still share my life with them?
Ok, you get my point!
Don’t get me wrong, all these things are important. The two should go hand in hand, and a separate weight or value should be placed on them individually and should all be dependent on what’s most important to you.
Look at it this way - of course you want him to be cute, but is it more important than sharing common interest? You could end up with this fine sexy man at home that never wants to go out with you; or vice versa. On the flip side, what if he likes jazz and cultural settings and you prefer hip hop and the urban night life, but when the music and the lights are off, the two of you have earth shattering bomb ass sex? You might consider jazz, right?
The point is, it is important to understand that the two are different, but equally important, so don’t allow yourself to be overly distracted by just one. Many attractive characteristics could be temporary, and when they go, you will need some compatible characteristics to fall back on in order to maintain the harmony.
Top five items to question and explore in order to determine compatibility:
1. Kids
2. Faith
3. Career
4. Activity level
5. Sex and intimacy
Courtesy of www.datingadvice101.com
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
My REAL Profession – Relationship Specialist
Those of you who know me are probably laughing out loud while saying – “what does she know; she does not even have a man!”
This is true, but does your child psychologist have to have children? Does your divorce lawyer have to have been through a divorce? No, so why do I have to have a man to help other single mothers find the right man for them.
My new calling came to me while reading a very insightful email entitled “Is he the one”. The entire document was wonderfully written and gave great examples of how God has created a man perfect for every woman. We have all heard this before, and for those of us who are God’s children, and have faith that He does have something and someone great in store for us, hold on to His promise and try to wait patiently. But what are we really waiting for and how will we know that he is the one?
According to the following paragraph, from the email discussed above, we won’t know until he chooses us (not God, but this man who is looking for a wife):
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously.
Ok, is that it? This reminds me of speed dating, except I just sit there and wait until he decides to get up from the table and move to the next candidate. At least with speed dating, you know right away. The worst thing is to date someone 2, 3, 5 years and then HE decides you’re not the one – WTF!!!
This next paragraph was very similar to the first, but it indicates so much more:
Trust me; the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
What I took from this passage is this:
First, I feel like I have first hand experience of having the right man at the wrong time, and its true – that sucks worst than having the wrong man at the right time. In the back of your mind you will always wonder what it would have been like if it was the right time.
Second, what happens if you’ve been chosen by someone who is not your choice? Based on this passage, if his intentions are inline with your desires and goals and the timing is right, he should be considered your new husband. In other words his intentions and desires should lead your actions.
Well I am sorry, but I am not ok with that. But then again, I am not ok with a lot of things, so use YOUR best judgment. Men and women should be on equal playing fields – well maybe not equal – but we should not have to take whatever falls in our lap. Where is our say so in the deal? There is an answer to this question, but it is so deep that it has been reserved for a separate blog post.
Good day, and happy searching!
This is true, but does your child psychologist have to have children? Does your divorce lawyer have to have been through a divorce? No, so why do I have to have a man to help other single mothers find the right man for them.
My new calling came to me while reading a very insightful email entitled “Is he the one”. The entire document was wonderfully written and gave great examples of how God has created a man perfect for every woman. We have all heard this before, and for those of us who are God’s children, and have faith that He does have something and someone great in store for us, hold on to His promise and try to wait patiently. But what are we really waiting for and how will we know that he is the one?
According to the following paragraph, from the email discussed above, we won’t know until he chooses us (not God, but this man who is looking for a wife):
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously.
Ok, is that it? This reminds me of speed dating, except I just sit there and wait until he decides to get up from the table and move to the next candidate. At least with speed dating, you know right away. The worst thing is to date someone 2, 3, 5 years and then HE decides you’re not the one – WTF!!!
This next paragraph was very similar to the first, but it indicates so much more:
Trust me; the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
What I took from this passage is this:
First, I feel like I have first hand experience of having the right man at the wrong time, and its true – that sucks worst than having the wrong man at the right time. In the back of your mind you will always wonder what it would have been like if it was the right time.
Second, what happens if you’ve been chosen by someone who is not your choice? Based on this passage, if his intentions are inline with your desires and goals and the timing is right, he should be considered your new husband. In other words his intentions and desires should lead your actions.
Well I am sorry, but I am not ok with that. But then again, I am not ok with a lot of things, so use YOUR best judgment. Men and women should be on equal playing fields – well maybe not equal – but we should not have to take whatever falls in our lap. Where is our say so in the deal? There is an answer to this question, but it is so deep that it has been reserved for a separate blog post.
Good day, and happy searching!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Confusing good sex with love!
Don’t do it; please don’t do it! Just because a man knows how to put it down, does not mean that he loves you. It does not even mean that he cares about you. In fact, if he seems to always have sex on the brain and is constantly singing in your ear about how good he is – back up. For starters, someone else is probably singing in his ear about how good he makes them feel, and what you get is the left over residual confidence of another woman’s exertion.
Most women are considered emotional creatures; meaning we need more than the physical aspect of lovemaking to really feel in love. The best kind of sex is when he knows how to hit the bottom, as Alexyss Taylor explains in the clip below, and knows how to make love to your mind as well as your body. Don’t become the woman that she speaks about in this sad example of confusing sex with love.
a
Most women are considered emotional creatures; meaning we need more than the physical aspect of lovemaking to really feel in love. The best kind of sex is when he knows how to hit the bottom, as Alexyss Taylor explains in the clip below, and knows how to make love to your mind as well as your body. Don’t become the woman that she speaks about in this sad example of confusing sex with love.
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Monday, April 30, 2007
No Strings Attached
I have talked to several women who have tried to take a shot at these so called “no strings attached” relationships, and most agree that they do not work. I’ll be the first to admit that I have tried and failed at this tricky type of dating. However, in my experience, these types of relationships have proved to be somewhat successful – eventually!
Here’s the scenario:
A fine sexy specimen approaches and admits to be very attracted and interested, but somewhat unavailable. You – somewhat attached and unavailable yourself is also attracted and interested in getting to know him better. The two of you manage to start a dating relationship, and in your private time together, act as if you are a real couple. The difference, so far, is that there is no real strings attached – you don’t question him and he does not question you. In fact, you have no clue what this person does or is when he is not in your presence. One likely reason this relationship has worked out thus far is there is no reason to argue.
But let’s be real, how long will this last before you are loving his dirty ‘draws’ and want to know more about him and what he does when you are not around. Better yet, how long before you are following him to his usual hangouts to make your presence known to his friends. Now here is where the drama begins to unfold. He is not your man and you have been cool with that all the way up until now when you are out, on his turf, and feel slightly disrespected when he is about business as usual. In your mind, and understandably, you feel like there are still lines that should not be crossed in your presence. Trust me he would feel the same way if the tables were turned. But now what; can you slap the hell out of him for talking to a girl or engaging in ‘cheating’ activities? No, but what you can do is use this situation to your advantage.
You know he is relationship material, and you know that he must feel the same way since he has been kicking it with you for some time. Now is the time to have an open and honest conversation about a real commitment; chances are he really cuts for you and does not want to see you go. So explain how you feel and insist on some guidelines. Hopefully at this point you both realize that you make a good couple and you should take your relationship to the next level. However, if he starts talking that ‘you knew what this was’ crap, tell his ass to kick rocks because what this really means is you are ready for a real relationship and he is not.
Here’s the scenario:
A fine sexy specimen approaches and admits to be very attracted and interested, but somewhat unavailable. You – somewhat attached and unavailable yourself is also attracted and interested in getting to know him better. The two of you manage to start a dating relationship, and in your private time together, act as if you are a real couple. The difference, so far, is that there is no real strings attached – you don’t question him and he does not question you. In fact, you have no clue what this person does or is when he is not in your presence. One likely reason this relationship has worked out thus far is there is no reason to argue.
But let’s be real, how long will this last before you are loving his dirty ‘draws’ and want to know more about him and what he does when you are not around. Better yet, how long before you are following him to his usual hangouts to make your presence known to his friends. Now here is where the drama begins to unfold. He is not your man and you have been cool with that all the way up until now when you are out, on his turf, and feel slightly disrespected when he is about business as usual. In your mind, and understandably, you feel like there are still lines that should not be crossed in your presence. Trust me he would feel the same way if the tables were turned. But now what; can you slap the hell out of him for talking to a girl or engaging in ‘cheating’ activities? No, but what you can do is use this situation to your advantage.
You know he is relationship material, and you know that he must feel the same way since he has been kicking it with you for some time. Now is the time to have an open and honest conversation about a real commitment; chances are he really cuts for you and does not want to see you go. So explain how you feel and insist on some guidelines. Hopefully at this point you both realize that you make a good couple and you should take your relationship to the next level. However, if he starts talking that ‘you knew what this was’ crap, tell his ass to kick rocks because what this really means is you are ready for a real relationship and he is not.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
What does it take to say “yes”?
How long do you hang out with someone before you say – this is my man? Does it take him just asking or is there a feeling or an emotion that has to come first?
I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer to this question, but here is my two cents:
I think we know if we want someone or not. Now I am not saying that if you don’t say “yes” that you don’t want him. All I am saying is that if you don’t say "yes," you have not felt that emotion or feeling, so you are not sure if you want him or not. However, if this is someone that you spend a lot of time with, something must be there, and that should be considered a great sign.
Usually, it is the woman that will give the man an ultimatum, but the older you get the more men you will find not willing to waste time. If you find a man willing to admit that he is in it for the long haul, he should be considered a keeper; however like our mothers have told us from the beginning of time – if he likes you as much as he says he does, then he should be willing to wait. I am talking about the booty and the relationship.
Don’t rush it - patience is a virtue, and you are single mother and cannot afford to rush into a relationship with every man that says he’s interested.
Did you know that there are several survey results that state 60 percent of second marriages fail? That is worst than the 50 percent of first marriages.
I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer to this question, but here is my two cents:
I think we know if we want someone or not. Now I am not saying that if you don’t say “yes” that you don’t want him. All I am saying is that if you don’t say "yes," you have not felt that emotion or feeling, so you are not sure if you want him or not. However, if this is someone that you spend a lot of time with, something must be there, and that should be considered a great sign.
Usually, it is the woman that will give the man an ultimatum, but the older you get the more men you will find not willing to waste time. If you find a man willing to admit that he is in it for the long haul, he should be considered a keeper; however like our mothers have told us from the beginning of time – if he likes you as much as he says he does, then he should be willing to wait. I am talking about the booty and the relationship.
Don’t rush it - patience is a virtue, and you are single mother and cannot afford to rush into a relationship with every man that says he’s interested.
Did you know that there are several survey results that state 60 percent of second marriages fail? That is worst than the 50 percent of first marriages.
Can old news be good news?
Can an old relationship become your new relationship? We have all done it, and I am sure we can all offer a difference of opinion depending on the outcome - the second time around.
My first thought is that it could work. When I speak of the second time around, I am not speaking of this person and relationship that you have not been able to find the strength to let go of. I mean after a good amount of time has past, and there is no more anger or pain, this person comes back into your life. Although the memories are there, it is still brand new.
The pros include:
No mystery. Depending on how much time has past, this person is familiar. You remember their likes and dislikes. You know how to turn them on and they know how to turn you on. Not to mention all the great memories and the opportunity to reminisce.
He’s a friend of the family. Your family and friends may still ask about him from time to time. He is still loved and trusted by those you love and trust. Although it gives everyone something to talk about (behind your back), he can handle it because he still loves and trusts them - especially the little ones that you have been afraid to introduce to new people.
Practice makes perfect. Mastering a relationship is probably an impossible task; however, just like with any task, after investing enough time and energy it becomes like second nature. All the kinks have already been worked out. Try to remember what worked and do those things; stay away from the issues that caused fights and misunderstandings.
The cons include:
It did not work the first time. Generally there is a real reason why relationships don’t last. Whether he lied, cheated, or was just not compatible, he is still the same person and is very capable, maybe even likely, to repeat the same behavior. Caution and open lines of communication is key in overcoming this obstacle. Don’t completely ignore the past – forgive, but don’t forget!
Get over it already! Speaking of forgiving – it seems that we can only forgive after we forget. A new guy will beg you not to blame him for your old man’s mistakes and errors. But can you blame him for HIS own old mistakes and errors? I think the answer is no; not if you expect the relationship to last. Plus, dwelling on the past will give you a headache. Nine times out of ten, you don’t want to put a damper on the ‘new’ relationship by talking about old pain, so instead you become a worry wart and invite the same unwanted pain back in. If he is worth giving another shot, then give him, you and your new relationship a fair shot.
The third strike is on you. Shame on him the first time, but shame on you the second time - please, please don’t think you can change a man. If you have given him chance after chance, or given yourself opportunity after opportunity to make a relationship work, and there is still no sign of wedding bells or a happily ever after, then let it go. He is probably just not the one, and the Mr. Right that you have been waiting for can’t make his grand entrance, because Mr. Wrong has been cock blocking off and on for as long as you can remember.
Many times we know if someone is right for us. And many times we knew then that he was the one or not the one, but for whatever reason one of you were just not ready, or not willing. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Maybe you were not patient enough, and maybe he really is the one. We wonder why grandmamma and them stayed married and in love till the very end. It’s because they were willing to work with what they had.
On the other hand, don’t get all this twisted. Sometimes as women, and especially as single mothers, we just want a man, and many times we will accept any old man. Be the strong woman that you are, and accept your position as a happy independent single mother and say “NO” to that old broke down piece of junk that you have been riding and wait to be blessed with a brand spanking new luxury model.
Did you know that 42% of black women over 30 will stay single? Now that is some food for thought. You better go dig in the closet and hope and pray you find your little black book.
My first thought is that it could work. When I speak of the second time around, I am not speaking of this person and relationship that you have not been able to find the strength to let go of. I mean after a good amount of time has past, and there is no more anger or pain, this person comes back into your life. Although the memories are there, it is still brand new.
The pros include:
No mystery. Depending on how much time has past, this person is familiar. You remember their likes and dislikes. You know how to turn them on and they know how to turn you on. Not to mention all the great memories and the opportunity to reminisce.
He’s a friend of the family. Your family and friends may still ask about him from time to time. He is still loved and trusted by those you love and trust. Although it gives everyone something to talk about (behind your back), he can handle it because he still loves and trusts them - especially the little ones that you have been afraid to introduce to new people.
Practice makes perfect. Mastering a relationship is probably an impossible task; however, just like with any task, after investing enough time and energy it becomes like second nature. All the kinks have already been worked out. Try to remember what worked and do those things; stay away from the issues that caused fights and misunderstandings.
The cons include:
It did not work the first time. Generally there is a real reason why relationships don’t last. Whether he lied, cheated, or was just not compatible, he is still the same person and is very capable, maybe even likely, to repeat the same behavior. Caution and open lines of communication is key in overcoming this obstacle. Don’t completely ignore the past – forgive, but don’t forget!
Get over it already! Speaking of forgiving – it seems that we can only forgive after we forget. A new guy will beg you not to blame him for your old man’s mistakes and errors. But can you blame him for HIS own old mistakes and errors? I think the answer is no; not if you expect the relationship to last. Plus, dwelling on the past will give you a headache. Nine times out of ten, you don’t want to put a damper on the ‘new’ relationship by talking about old pain, so instead you become a worry wart and invite the same unwanted pain back in. If he is worth giving another shot, then give him, you and your new relationship a fair shot.
The third strike is on you. Shame on him the first time, but shame on you the second time - please, please don’t think you can change a man. If you have given him chance after chance, or given yourself opportunity after opportunity to make a relationship work, and there is still no sign of wedding bells or a happily ever after, then let it go. He is probably just not the one, and the Mr. Right that you have been waiting for can’t make his grand entrance, because Mr. Wrong has been cock blocking off and on for as long as you can remember.
Many times we know if someone is right for us. And many times we knew then that he was the one or not the one, but for whatever reason one of you were just not ready, or not willing. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Maybe you were not patient enough, and maybe he really is the one. We wonder why grandmamma and them stayed married and in love till the very end. It’s because they were willing to work with what they had.
On the other hand, don’t get all this twisted. Sometimes as women, and especially as single mothers, we just want a man, and many times we will accept any old man. Be the strong woman that you are, and accept your position as a happy independent single mother and say “NO” to that old broke down piece of junk that you have been riding and wait to be blessed with a brand spanking new luxury model.
Did you know that 42% of black women over 30 will stay single? Now that is some food for thought. You better go dig in the closet and hope and pray you find your little black book.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
The clock is ticking!
The past 30 has flown by. In fact, the past five years zoomed by so fast, I am not sure I had time to store away proper memories. My son is six, but it seems like it was just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and going to be a mom. How can I slow things down? At this speed, I may not have time to have any more kids.
Although it will be a shame if I don’t have any more kids, I have to acknowledge the likely possibility that my biological clock may stop ticking before I am ready for another baby.
Being thirty is going to be tough, not only do I have a million goals to accomplish, I also have to meet a man, fall in love, get married, live together, test him out and then have a baby. This could take ten years, but I don’t have ten years, I have five; six tops.
After reevaluating my new five year plan, and making small tweaks here and there, I realize that there are some things in life that you can plan for, and then there are those things that just happen and you just shove them into place. My new plan consists of me living life as I plan with an open mind for other possibilities.
I love my son more than any words could ever explain and I would love to experience this type of love again, so as long as God blesses me with good health and the strength to have another child, the possibility is there to consider. However, if for some reason the opportunity never presents itself, I still feel grateful to have experienced the joys and sacrifices of motherhood.
Although it will be a shame if I don’t have any more kids, I have to acknowledge the likely possibility that my biological clock may stop ticking before I am ready for another baby.
Being thirty is going to be tough, not only do I have a million goals to accomplish, I also have to meet a man, fall in love, get married, live together, test him out and then have a baby. This could take ten years, but I don’t have ten years, I have five; six tops.
After reevaluating my new five year plan, and making small tweaks here and there, I realize that there are some things in life that you can plan for, and then there are those things that just happen and you just shove them into place. My new plan consists of me living life as I plan with an open mind for other possibilities.
I love my son more than any words could ever explain and I would love to experience this type of love again, so as long as God blesses me with good health and the strength to have another child, the possibility is there to consider. However, if for some reason the opportunity never presents itself, I still feel grateful to have experienced the joys and sacrifices of motherhood.
Is ‘30’ the new ‘20’?
For the past year, I have been telling myself that thirty is indeed the new twenty. But really thirty is thirty, and it’s all good. Don’t get me wrong, I love looking youthful and twenty something, but the reality is being thirty is much better than being twenty. Thirty is the start of new beginnings, new experiences, and new joys. Thirty represents the time of your life that you should know what you want and exactly how to get it. This is when real life begins – no more excuses about being young and inexperienced.
I am 60 days from thirty and no longer afraid, instead I am excited. I finally feel confident and equipped to pursue the life I want and deserve.
I am 60 days from thirty and no longer afraid, instead I am excited. I finally feel confident and equipped to pursue the life I want and deserve.
Friday, April 06, 2007
What the hell is a friend with benefits?
About ten years ago I would have given the person who would ask such a question that look. You know that look - you are asking “you don’t know; where you been, under a rock someplace?” Today, however, I am not sure I know the answer to this question myself. Back in the day, a friend with benefits would have been someone who did not want a relationship, but could offer great sex and a few extra dollars whenever you needed. For some women, this is still an ideal relationship. But for most, especially single mothers, a man that comes like a thief in the night snatching good sex that should be saved for “your man” and leaving change on the table before he leaves, is more like an enemy than a friend.
Today, I think a friend with benefits would be just the opposite. He would be a real friend that you can hang out with and share thoughts with. He would be someone who is not expecting sex or a relationship in return. He may offer his help from time to time just like any friend would, but not in that trade off attitude that most guys have.
So I guess the real questions is not “what is a friend with benefits?” but “where are the men that would make a good friend with benefits?” Do they even exist??
Today, I think a friend with benefits would be just the opposite. He would be a real friend that you can hang out with and share thoughts with. He would be someone who is not expecting sex or a relationship in return. He may offer his help from time to time just like any friend would, but not in that trade off attitude that most guys have.
So I guess the real questions is not “what is a friend with benefits?” but “where are the men that would make a good friend with benefits?” Do they even exist??
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I am ready for LOVE, or am I??
I am back, and more motivated than ever!
So, how do you know when you are ready to love again? This is really a loaded question. I think many times we think we are, but our hearts are really not ready. As a single mother, reacting too soon could be dangerous.
I was chatting with a good friend, who is also single, and she explains that she is ready to love again….
Let’s pretend that you have gone through a terrible break–up, and you have allowed yourself six months to get over this person and the past relationship, but it is always on your mind. I would say this person is not ready. What are your thoughts?
The advice around probably sounds like this: “Girl, all you need is another man to come in and get your mind off the old news!” For many women, this is probably sound advice, but for some it could be dangerous. What could happen - you could confuse a rebound relationship with one that you think is a new start with a new guy that appears to have great potential. You will either be stuck in an uncomfortable relationship with someone that you don’t like and is completely wrong for you, or you could send misleading messages to someone who is ready for a “real” relationship – we all know how bad that could turn out (Yikes!). Did you hear about the man, here in Texas, that killed is so-called girl friend, cut her up, and barbequed her! Ok, play with him if you want to – I have plenty of black dresses.
Anyway, my advice – if anyone is interested – is to be cool and wait until you’re ready for love. It will be around the time that you enjoy being single. You will say things like, “I don’t care if I ever see him again, I am having a fantastic time!” and you will mean it.
So, how do you know when you are ready to love again? This is really a loaded question. I think many times we think we are, but our hearts are really not ready. As a single mother, reacting too soon could be dangerous.
I was chatting with a good friend, who is also single, and she explains that she is ready to love again….
Let’s pretend that you have gone through a terrible break–up, and you have allowed yourself six months to get over this person and the past relationship, but it is always on your mind. I would say this person is not ready. What are your thoughts?
The advice around probably sounds like this: “Girl, all you need is another man to come in and get your mind off the old news!” For many women, this is probably sound advice, but for some it could be dangerous. What could happen - you could confuse a rebound relationship with one that you think is a new start with a new guy that appears to have great potential. You will either be stuck in an uncomfortable relationship with someone that you don’t like and is completely wrong for you, or you could send misleading messages to someone who is ready for a “real” relationship – we all know how bad that could turn out (Yikes!). Did you hear about the man, here in Texas, that killed is so-called girl friend, cut her up, and barbequed her! Ok, play with him if you want to – I have plenty of black dresses.
Anyway, my advice – if anyone is interested – is to be cool and wait until you’re ready for love. It will be around the time that you enjoy being single. You will say things like, “I don’t care if I ever see him again, I am having a fantastic time!” and you will mean it.
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