I have talked to several women who have tried to take a shot at these so called “no strings attached” relationships, and most agree that they do not work. I’ll be the first to admit that I have tried and failed at this tricky type of dating. However, in my experience, these types of relationships have proved to be somewhat successful – eventually!
Here’s the scenario:
A fine sexy specimen approaches and admits to be very attracted and interested, but somewhat unavailable. You – somewhat attached and unavailable yourself is also attracted and interested in getting to know him better. The two of you manage to start a dating relationship, and in your private time together, act as if you are a real couple. The difference, so far, is that there is no real strings attached – you don’t question him and he does not question you. In fact, you have no clue what this person does or is when he is not in your presence. One likely reason this relationship has worked out thus far is there is no reason to argue.
But let’s be real, how long will this last before you are loving his dirty ‘draws’ and want to know more about him and what he does when you are not around. Better yet, how long before you are following him to his usual hangouts to make your presence known to his friends. Now here is where the drama begins to unfold. He is not your man and you have been cool with that all the way up until now when you are out, on his turf, and feel slightly disrespected when he is about business as usual. In your mind, and understandably, you feel like there are still lines that should not be crossed in your presence. Trust me he would feel the same way if the tables were turned. But now what; can you slap the hell out of him for talking to a girl or engaging in ‘cheating’ activities? No, but what you can do is use this situation to your advantage.
You know he is relationship material, and you know that he must feel the same way since he has been kicking it with you for some time. Now is the time to have an open and honest conversation about a real commitment; chances are he really cuts for you and does not want to see you go. So explain how you feel and insist on some guidelines. Hopefully at this point you both realize that you make a good couple and you should take your relationship to the next level. However, if he starts talking that ‘you knew what this was’ crap, tell his ass to kick rocks because what this really means is you are ready for a real relationship and he is not.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
What does it take to say “yes”?
How long do you hang out with someone before you say – this is my man? Does it take him just asking or is there a feeling or an emotion that has to come first?
I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer to this question, but here is my two cents:
I think we know if we want someone or not. Now I am not saying that if you don’t say “yes” that you don’t want him. All I am saying is that if you don’t say "yes," you have not felt that emotion or feeling, so you are not sure if you want him or not. However, if this is someone that you spend a lot of time with, something must be there, and that should be considered a great sign.
Usually, it is the woman that will give the man an ultimatum, but the older you get the more men you will find not willing to waste time. If you find a man willing to admit that he is in it for the long haul, he should be considered a keeper; however like our mothers have told us from the beginning of time – if he likes you as much as he says he does, then he should be willing to wait. I am talking about the booty and the relationship.
Don’t rush it - patience is a virtue, and you are single mother and cannot afford to rush into a relationship with every man that says he’s interested.
Did you know that there are several survey results that state 60 percent of second marriages fail? That is worst than the 50 percent of first marriages.
I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer to this question, but here is my two cents:
I think we know if we want someone or not. Now I am not saying that if you don’t say “yes” that you don’t want him. All I am saying is that if you don’t say "yes," you have not felt that emotion or feeling, so you are not sure if you want him or not. However, if this is someone that you spend a lot of time with, something must be there, and that should be considered a great sign.
Usually, it is the woman that will give the man an ultimatum, but the older you get the more men you will find not willing to waste time. If you find a man willing to admit that he is in it for the long haul, he should be considered a keeper; however like our mothers have told us from the beginning of time – if he likes you as much as he says he does, then he should be willing to wait. I am talking about the booty and the relationship.
Don’t rush it - patience is a virtue, and you are single mother and cannot afford to rush into a relationship with every man that says he’s interested.
Did you know that there are several survey results that state 60 percent of second marriages fail? That is worst than the 50 percent of first marriages.
Can old news be good news?
Can an old relationship become your new relationship? We have all done it, and I am sure we can all offer a difference of opinion depending on the outcome - the second time around.
My first thought is that it could work. When I speak of the second time around, I am not speaking of this person and relationship that you have not been able to find the strength to let go of. I mean after a good amount of time has past, and there is no more anger or pain, this person comes back into your life. Although the memories are there, it is still brand new.
The pros include:
No mystery. Depending on how much time has past, this person is familiar. You remember their likes and dislikes. You know how to turn them on and they know how to turn you on. Not to mention all the great memories and the opportunity to reminisce.
He’s a friend of the family. Your family and friends may still ask about him from time to time. He is still loved and trusted by those you love and trust. Although it gives everyone something to talk about (behind your back), he can handle it because he still loves and trusts them - especially the little ones that you have been afraid to introduce to new people.
Practice makes perfect. Mastering a relationship is probably an impossible task; however, just like with any task, after investing enough time and energy it becomes like second nature. All the kinks have already been worked out. Try to remember what worked and do those things; stay away from the issues that caused fights and misunderstandings.
The cons include:
It did not work the first time. Generally there is a real reason why relationships don’t last. Whether he lied, cheated, or was just not compatible, he is still the same person and is very capable, maybe even likely, to repeat the same behavior. Caution and open lines of communication is key in overcoming this obstacle. Don’t completely ignore the past – forgive, but don’t forget!
Get over it already! Speaking of forgiving – it seems that we can only forgive after we forget. A new guy will beg you not to blame him for your old man’s mistakes and errors. But can you blame him for HIS own old mistakes and errors? I think the answer is no; not if you expect the relationship to last. Plus, dwelling on the past will give you a headache. Nine times out of ten, you don’t want to put a damper on the ‘new’ relationship by talking about old pain, so instead you become a worry wart and invite the same unwanted pain back in. If he is worth giving another shot, then give him, you and your new relationship a fair shot.
The third strike is on you. Shame on him the first time, but shame on you the second time - please, please don’t think you can change a man. If you have given him chance after chance, or given yourself opportunity after opportunity to make a relationship work, and there is still no sign of wedding bells or a happily ever after, then let it go. He is probably just not the one, and the Mr. Right that you have been waiting for can’t make his grand entrance, because Mr. Wrong has been cock blocking off and on for as long as you can remember.
Many times we know if someone is right for us. And many times we knew then that he was the one or not the one, but for whatever reason one of you were just not ready, or not willing. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Maybe you were not patient enough, and maybe he really is the one. We wonder why grandmamma and them stayed married and in love till the very end. It’s because they were willing to work with what they had.
On the other hand, don’t get all this twisted. Sometimes as women, and especially as single mothers, we just want a man, and many times we will accept any old man. Be the strong woman that you are, and accept your position as a happy independent single mother and say “NO” to that old broke down piece of junk that you have been riding and wait to be blessed with a brand spanking new luxury model.
Did you know that 42% of black women over 30 will stay single? Now that is some food for thought. You better go dig in the closet and hope and pray you find your little black book.
My first thought is that it could work. When I speak of the second time around, I am not speaking of this person and relationship that you have not been able to find the strength to let go of. I mean after a good amount of time has past, and there is no more anger or pain, this person comes back into your life. Although the memories are there, it is still brand new.
The pros include:
No mystery. Depending on how much time has past, this person is familiar. You remember their likes and dislikes. You know how to turn them on and they know how to turn you on. Not to mention all the great memories and the opportunity to reminisce.
He’s a friend of the family. Your family and friends may still ask about him from time to time. He is still loved and trusted by those you love and trust. Although it gives everyone something to talk about (behind your back), he can handle it because he still loves and trusts them - especially the little ones that you have been afraid to introduce to new people.
Practice makes perfect. Mastering a relationship is probably an impossible task; however, just like with any task, after investing enough time and energy it becomes like second nature. All the kinks have already been worked out. Try to remember what worked and do those things; stay away from the issues that caused fights and misunderstandings.
The cons include:
It did not work the first time. Generally there is a real reason why relationships don’t last. Whether he lied, cheated, or was just not compatible, he is still the same person and is very capable, maybe even likely, to repeat the same behavior. Caution and open lines of communication is key in overcoming this obstacle. Don’t completely ignore the past – forgive, but don’t forget!
Get over it already! Speaking of forgiving – it seems that we can only forgive after we forget. A new guy will beg you not to blame him for your old man’s mistakes and errors. But can you blame him for HIS own old mistakes and errors? I think the answer is no; not if you expect the relationship to last. Plus, dwelling on the past will give you a headache. Nine times out of ten, you don’t want to put a damper on the ‘new’ relationship by talking about old pain, so instead you become a worry wart and invite the same unwanted pain back in. If he is worth giving another shot, then give him, you and your new relationship a fair shot.
The third strike is on you. Shame on him the first time, but shame on you the second time - please, please don’t think you can change a man. If you have given him chance after chance, or given yourself opportunity after opportunity to make a relationship work, and there is still no sign of wedding bells or a happily ever after, then let it go. He is probably just not the one, and the Mr. Right that you have been waiting for can’t make his grand entrance, because Mr. Wrong has been cock blocking off and on for as long as you can remember.
Many times we know if someone is right for us. And many times we knew then that he was the one or not the one, but for whatever reason one of you were just not ready, or not willing. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Maybe you were not patient enough, and maybe he really is the one. We wonder why grandmamma and them stayed married and in love till the very end. It’s because they were willing to work with what they had.
On the other hand, don’t get all this twisted. Sometimes as women, and especially as single mothers, we just want a man, and many times we will accept any old man. Be the strong woman that you are, and accept your position as a happy independent single mother and say “NO” to that old broke down piece of junk that you have been riding and wait to be blessed with a brand spanking new luxury model.
Did you know that 42% of black women over 30 will stay single? Now that is some food for thought. You better go dig in the closet and hope and pray you find your little black book.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
The clock is ticking!
The past 30 has flown by. In fact, the past five years zoomed by so fast, I am not sure I had time to store away proper memories. My son is six, but it seems like it was just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and going to be a mom. How can I slow things down? At this speed, I may not have time to have any more kids.
Although it will be a shame if I don’t have any more kids, I have to acknowledge the likely possibility that my biological clock may stop ticking before I am ready for another baby.
Being thirty is going to be tough, not only do I have a million goals to accomplish, I also have to meet a man, fall in love, get married, live together, test him out and then have a baby. This could take ten years, but I don’t have ten years, I have five; six tops.
After reevaluating my new five year plan, and making small tweaks here and there, I realize that there are some things in life that you can plan for, and then there are those things that just happen and you just shove them into place. My new plan consists of me living life as I plan with an open mind for other possibilities.
I love my son more than any words could ever explain and I would love to experience this type of love again, so as long as God blesses me with good health and the strength to have another child, the possibility is there to consider. However, if for some reason the opportunity never presents itself, I still feel grateful to have experienced the joys and sacrifices of motherhood.
Although it will be a shame if I don’t have any more kids, I have to acknowledge the likely possibility that my biological clock may stop ticking before I am ready for another baby.
Being thirty is going to be tough, not only do I have a million goals to accomplish, I also have to meet a man, fall in love, get married, live together, test him out and then have a baby. This could take ten years, but I don’t have ten years, I have five; six tops.
After reevaluating my new five year plan, and making small tweaks here and there, I realize that there are some things in life that you can plan for, and then there are those things that just happen and you just shove them into place. My new plan consists of me living life as I plan with an open mind for other possibilities.
I love my son more than any words could ever explain and I would love to experience this type of love again, so as long as God blesses me with good health and the strength to have another child, the possibility is there to consider. However, if for some reason the opportunity never presents itself, I still feel grateful to have experienced the joys and sacrifices of motherhood.
Is ‘30’ the new ‘20’?
For the past year, I have been telling myself that thirty is indeed the new twenty. But really thirty is thirty, and it’s all good. Don’t get me wrong, I love looking youthful and twenty something, but the reality is being thirty is much better than being twenty. Thirty is the start of new beginnings, new experiences, and new joys. Thirty represents the time of your life that you should know what you want and exactly how to get it. This is when real life begins – no more excuses about being young and inexperienced.
I am 60 days from thirty and no longer afraid, instead I am excited. I finally feel confident and equipped to pursue the life I want and deserve.
I am 60 days from thirty and no longer afraid, instead I am excited. I finally feel confident and equipped to pursue the life I want and deserve.
Friday, April 06, 2007
What the hell is a friend with benefits?
About ten years ago I would have given the person who would ask such a question that look. You know that look - you are asking “you don’t know; where you been, under a rock someplace?” Today, however, I am not sure I know the answer to this question myself. Back in the day, a friend with benefits would have been someone who did not want a relationship, but could offer great sex and a few extra dollars whenever you needed. For some women, this is still an ideal relationship. But for most, especially single mothers, a man that comes like a thief in the night snatching good sex that should be saved for “your man” and leaving change on the table before he leaves, is more like an enemy than a friend.
Today, I think a friend with benefits would be just the opposite. He would be a real friend that you can hang out with and share thoughts with. He would be someone who is not expecting sex or a relationship in return. He may offer his help from time to time just like any friend would, but not in that trade off attitude that most guys have.
So I guess the real questions is not “what is a friend with benefits?” but “where are the men that would make a good friend with benefits?” Do they even exist??
Today, I think a friend with benefits would be just the opposite. He would be a real friend that you can hang out with and share thoughts with. He would be someone who is not expecting sex or a relationship in return. He may offer his help from time to time just like any friend would, but not in that trade off attitude that most guys have.
So I guess the real questions is not “what is a friend with benefits?” but “where are the men that would make a good friend with benefits?” Do they even exist??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
