Making men out of boys

Ah, ha! You thought this post was going to be about men who act like boys. Well although that is an interest topic, I am here today to talk about something much more important. And that is making sure some young lady, twenty years from now of course, is not looking your son strait in the eye talking about “didn’t yo mama teach you….”

So how does a single mother teach her young son how to one day become that man that she is proud of?

Although I am sure there are a number of things a man would do different, which all should be at the least researched by a single mother, the most important - I think - is to realize that she is not a man and truly does need the guidance of a man from time to time. However, she should also realize that she is more than capable of raising a God fearing, hard working, and respectable man.

I think there are two mistakes that are very common among single mothers raising sons, and those are:

# 1 - Being overly confident in her task of raising a man – we, as single mothers have to accept the fact that there are some things that a man is going to know how to do better when it come to being man. We can research and read book after book, but we are not going to know everything about standing in front of a urinal, or how to ease the fears of approaching a woman for the first time, and several other things your son will one day experience. I think it is easy for us to imagine what men go through while they are growing into their manhood, but the truth is - men are different from women. And although children go through some of the same experiences while growing up, we will only be able to relate to and remember how it was to experience those events as a female, not as male; and many times the appropriate approach is different. Accepting this fact will help us identify those situations that may be more appropriate for a man to teach, or at least be part of the learning experience for the little men in our lives.

# 2 - Not being confident enough in her task of raising a man – I guarantee you there will be times that you will need to rise to the challenge, and be that man that you wish was there to take control over the situation. And unfortunately, it may be a time where pulling “but, I’m lady” card is not an option. Raising boys into men is hard work, but our boys need us to stay strong and not punk out when those difficult situations arise. Teaching your son how to deal with the pressures of the world, and still respect himself and the people around him, might one day prove to be your most important and difficult task. As a mother, our job is to comfort and nurture, but being there to pat him every time he fails at something may not be the answer. You may have to explain how sometimes, even when you have done it all right, life may still be unfair.

Who is benefiting from your struggle??

Let’s face it – times are hard! Everybody seems to be struggling, and most single mothers will argue that we have it even harder than most. And in most cases, that’s true for all the obvious reasons – baby daddy trippin and only wants to help some of the time, kids begging for stuff they don’t need, unplanned expenses popping up at all the wrong times, and everything is being handled with one income and by one person.

With all that being said, why is it that many single mothers find themselves kinda sorta taking care of a man in addition to all her normal said responsibilities. I’m not talking about making him soup when he’s not feeling well, or even giving him a ride when his car is in the shop. I’m talking about letting his grown butt lay up in your house that you pay for, drive around in your car that you pay the note on, watching your cable on your TV, enjoying your air condition, and eating up your food.

Let me explain with one of my several theories on this subject:

Theory # 1 – it starts out very innocent. You have kids, so once you get comfortable enough with your new man around your family, he starts to hang around all the time, which makes you feel like you are in hog heaven. Your regular system of doing things starts to come back together – you can come home and relax in your own space, take care of things around the house, cook dinner for your children and get them to bed on time; everything is working out perfectly. You are no longer running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to be three different women in three different places. You can relax, and enjoy your life with the added pleasure of having a man around.

Of course he is also happy , and at first he shows his appreciation for all the free meals – along with other free “stuff” you’ve been giving up - by helping out around the house, buying groceries and other normal stuff you would expect from your man. You notice things are being fixed around the house, the kids are no longer asking you a million questions because they finally have someone else to talk to, you have someone to pick up thing from the store from time to time, which all seems to be a huge help and added benefit.

Then one day he starts to see that he has been a real asset to your routine…plus you are always telling him how sweet he is for all the nice things that he does when he doesn’t have to. So he starts to relax, because now he thinks you need him. The more and more he relaxes, the more you notice that you seem to buy more toothpaste, washing powder, tissue paper, and pretty much everything since he has started hanging around. Ironically he doesn’t notice any change in his spending habits. In fact, if you listen closely you might hear him make comments about how his light bill is finally under control, or how he has finally managed to stop eating out so much. Sounds familiar right! Mmm,mmm!

Well, before I close theory # 1, let me give you a little advice. The answer is not about going back to an impossible schedule trying to be several people at once. The answer is – communicate, communicate, communicate. Now that does mean cursing him out once a day and calling him a sorry ass. That means showing him, with kind words of course, how this new system can work for both of you. However, make sure you include the most important message – “I can do bad by myself,” “My momma didn’t raise no fool;” I am sure you can come up with a bunch more that mean roughly the same thing. Oh, and don’t use those words, just the message. The point is for him to get better, but also stick around.

TO BE CONTINUED – Theory # 2