What’s your worth?

I am proud to say that I have been blessed with some really strong friends. For every issue I experience in my life, there is someone who I can lean on because they know exactly what I am going through. I say they’re strong because although many of them have experienced some real hardship, they have all come out on top.

Part of their strength results from having the ability to put the past behind them without dwelling on a bunch of could’a, should’a, would ‘as.

Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong,
but sometimes it's letting go.

What’s interesting about the statement above – there are many things that bring drama into our lives. It could be problems on the job, a struggle with a family member, money issues, etc… But have you ever noticed that it is usually the drama we encounter when dealing with a man, or our romantic relationships that seem to keep us down. Even when we have made up our minds that it’s over and we are going to put it in the past, we still struggle with letting go. Why is that? Is he really worth all that pain? Aren’t you worth so much more than the heart ache you receive in dead end, broken relationships?

I think the problem is we evaluate, and re-evaluate over and over again just to answer the question of whether or not he is worth it. But, what should be most important ‘to you’ is your worth.


With that being said, I am sure you can appreciate the following popular encounter between a strong woman and a man who noticed her strength:

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was
pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly
for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to
know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound...

"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can
do for me that I can't do for myself. What can you bring to the table?”
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought and stated,“I am worth so much more than money. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

- perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation; I don't need a simple-minded man.

- perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked; believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

- perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden; the # 1 cause for divorce is money issues. .

“I can only respect and follow a man that is striving to be the best him that he can be. Otherwise, I would not be striving to be the best me that I can be.”

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, "You are asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Sacrifice for True Love - Part II

It is so nice to have real comments. I like to believe that my posts are worth talking about, and apparently this one was. So, big, huge “thank you” to Eyes Q and Gene for contributing these insightful comments:

Eyes Q - Awe, that is really sweet, but I have to disagree. Perhaps that is because I don’t have children. I really feel that when you are a single mother you have a "handicap" like anyone else i.e. minorities, women, gays. You just have to work that much harder to accomplish those goals and raise your children. You have a motivator that a lot of us don’t have. Who says you can’t do it all? I was reading an article in money magazine a little while back and they discussed a single mother who had managed to create a wonderful life for both herself and her 4 year old son. She said that she just knew there was no longer a choice; she had to work harder and make sure that things worked out. I don’t think single parents, mothers or fathers, should use their children as a crutch, but to drive them to pursue even more outlandish dreams.

Gene - I agree to a certain extent, but what I got out of it was the fact that once you have a kid, your life changes. That also includes your dreams. It isn’t to say you are letting your dreams go; you just want something different now. As individuals get older and mature the point-of-view on life changes for the most part. Having a child is a life changing experience. Parents look at the world with different lenses than those who don’t have kids.

Tanisha - When a single mother says that she realizes there are some dreams that will have to be put on the back burner, she is not saying that she has completely given up. She is being realistic with herself, which is a requirement of being a good mother. We all know of mothers who are not willing to make that sacrifice, and their children end up suffering and paying the price for their selfishness.

The example offered in Money Magazine is where a single mother starts. Of course we can make it; making it is a given. It’s the extras that we’re talking about here. How often will I have to give up my extras in order to provide for my child??

Let's be real here, I know that I could do so much more financially if I did not have my son’s daycare, clothes, activities, etc... to pay for. The point is, I had to re-evaluate my plans, goals, etc... And, it’s true – some goals and desires have changed because I am a different person now, and some of what was important to me is no longer a desire.

In the beginning of this post, I gave examples of big sacrifices and little sacrifices. I feel that those realistic things that are in reach - while I am a single mother - are those small sacrifices that I may have to put off a paycheck, month, year or years, but are still obtainable goals and will happen. And the big sacrifices are the ones that many single mothers may have to put off for later, but fortunately for us – we have a much better trade off, so it’s still all good!

Sacrifice for True Love

When I think of the term “sacrifice,” I think of giving up major desires. Not just those little things that I kinda want or like a little. I mean MAJOR desires – like giving up the opportunity to travel overseas once a year, or live in a 5,000 square foot house, or buy a hundred thousand dollar car. I realize there are small sacrifices like temporarily putting off buying new furniture or buying a new 2006 model car instead of the higher priced 2007, but I am not sure I would call these small things real sacrifices. Especially when you think about making sacrifices for love, and surely when you are talking about the love for your children.

I believe that most single mothers would agree that the love we have for our kids might be the only love that we truly consider “true love,” and might be the only love we would consider making sacrifices for. Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the reason that we are single. Maybe we are not willing to work as hard or make big enough sacrifices for the love of a man, but that is another post on another day.

I had a conversation with one of my close friends today and she was explaining how she has to give up certain desires that she has because money is tight right now. This should become the single mother’s anthem because we can all relate to being here at one time or another. But she said something that really stood out to me. She said:

I am letting go of a lot of my outlandish dreams I had. I have to face a cruel reality - I am alone and I am raising my kids alone and when it comes down to it all they really have is me. I have to be in a position to provide for them and give them a chance at a decent life. So that means giving up on some of my dreams.. That just comes with the territory of being a single mom. I had to make myself be ok with that.

After she said that - completely being able to relate - I thought about my outlandish dreams. And I realize that I really didn’t have any outlandish dreams. Of course I have dreams, but I wondered if I too at some point given up on all my big dreams as a result of being a single mother.

After giving this idea some real thought, I have come to the conclusion that basically this is true. See, I believe that our children become our biggest dream and desire, and they somehow automatically outweigh all the tangible dreams and desires that we once had. We naturally make sacrifices for the true love we have for our children, and while we are raising them we get our pleasure and desire from being a good mother.

My advice in this situation is to take those outlandish desires and dreams that we are not able to do right now, and understand that these are really just small sacrifices compared to our babies. Most of the outlandish dreams that we once had, will become small potatoes by the time we are in a position to actually enjoy those things after we have finished our most important job of raising our children.

So, single mother, hold your head up high and enjoy the true desires of life, and that is the blessing that you tuck in every night!

You go girl!

Single Mothers have become experts in the area of “cheerleading.” We love to root our babies on, even on some of their smallest accomplishments. It’s true, they are a product of us and when they do well, that just means that we have done well.

Sometimes we are so busy looking out for the next opportunity to congratulate our kids on their accomplishments, we forget to pat ourselves on the back when we have met our goals or accomplished a task set before us.

Last night before I laid down for the night, I knelt beside my bed and thanked God for all His many blessings and the many things that I have to be thankful for. It was at that moment that I realized that I had forgotten to celebrate myself and the major accomplishment that I had worked so hard to achieve. So I took that opportunity to look myself square in the eye, using my bathroom mirror, and spoke out with a loud confident voice - “You Go Girl!” I walked around my new house cheezing from cheek to cheek because I had done this, and I am not shame to be proud.

Part of the joy of being proud of yourself, is it feels great and it makes you want to look for more opportunities to meet your goals. Not to mention the lessons that you are giving your kids, just by leading by example. One of the greatest feelings that you will probably ever feel is when your children understand your sacrifices and they look at you, and say “good job mom!” or “I am proud of you mom.” It may not happen until you are grandmother, but the feeling will be so powerful, it may even bring tears to your eyes.