Can an old relationship become your new relationship? We have all done it, and I am sure we can all offer a difference of opinion depending on the outcome - the second time around.
My first thought is that it could work. When I speak of the second time around, I am not speaking of this person and relationship that you have not been able to find the strength to let go of. I mean after a good amount of time has past, and there is no more anger or pain, this person comes back into your life. Although the memories are there, it is still brand new.
The pros include:
No mystery. Depending on how much time has past, this person is familiar. You remember their likes and dislikes. You know how to turn them on and they know how to turn you on. Not to mention all the great memories and the opportunity to reminisce.
He’s a friend of the family. Your family and friends may still ask about him from time to time. He is still loved and trusted by those you love and trust. Although it gives everyone something to talk about (behind your back), he can handle it because he still loves and trusts them - especially the little ones that you have been afraid to introduce to new people.
Practice makes perfect. Mastering a relationship is probably an impossible task; however, just like with any task, after investing enough time and energy it becomes like second nature. All the kinks have already been worked out. Try to remember what worked and do those things; stay away from the issues that caused fights and misunderstandings.
The cons include:
It did not work the first time. Generally there is a real reason why relationships don’t last. Whether he lied, cheated, or was just not compatible, he is still the same person and is very capable, maybe even likely, to repeat the same behavior. Caution and open lines of communication is key in overcoming this obstacle. Don’t completely ignore the past – forgive, but don’t forget!
Get over it already! Speaking of forgiving – it seems that we can only forgive after we forget. A new guy will beg you not to blame him for your old man’s mistakes and errors. But can you blame him for HIS own old mistakes and errors? I think the answer is no; not if you expect the relationship to last. Plus, dwelling on the past will give you a headache. Nine times out of ten, you don’t want to put a damper on the ‘new’ relationship by talking about old pain, so instead you become a worry wart and invite the same unwanted pain back in. If he is worth giving another shot, then give him, you and your new relationship a fair shot.
The third strike is on you. Shame on him the first time, but shame on you the second time - please, please don’t think you can change a man. If you have given him chance after chance, or given yourself opportunity after opportunity to make a relationship work, and there is still no sign of wedding bells or a happily ever after, then let it go. He is probably just not the one, and the Mr. Right that you have been waiting for can’t make his grand entrance, because Mr. Wrong has been cock blocking off and on for as long as you can remember.
Many times we know if someone is right for us. And many times we knew then that he was the one or not the one, but for whatever reason one of you were just not ready, or not willing. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Maybe you were not patient enough, and maybe he really is the one. We wonder why grandmamma and them stayed married and in love till the very end. It’s because they were willing to work with what they had.
On the other hand, don’t get all this twisted. Sometimes as women, and especially as single mothers, we just want a man, and many times we will accept any old man. Be the strong woman that you are, and accept your position as a happy independent single mother and say “NO” to that old broke down piece of junk that you have been riding and wait to be blessed with a brand spanking new luxury model.
Did you know that 42% of black women over 30 will stay single? Now that is some food for thought. You better go dig in the closet and hope and pray you find your little black book.
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3 comments:
Now this is a topic that I feel especially close and dear to my heart. I believe the second go around can be better than the first if growth and maturity has occurred.
In college I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I had found a man that fit most of the standards on my list of qualifications. He was strong, ambitious, adventurous, expressive and thoughtful (to a certain degree). He was similar to my daddy! Almost three years of bliss and then like that it was over. Not because he cheated or lied, but because like most black men; he was not prepared to make a formal commitment.
Two and a half years passed and it was not a day that went by that my heart didn’t ache for this man; tears surface now just thinking about the ordeal. Of course, like many women, I tried to hold on to a piece of him because it was all those things that you mention, especially your comment about no mystery. Eventually life's course would not allow it though.
I dated a lot of different men, but no one ever amounted to my true love. I stayed in a year and a half "relationship" with a young man even when I knew it would not last. I was trying everything in order to move my old love out and move a new in.
After time pasted and we both were able to ACTIVELY work on ourselves, fate saw fit to link us up again. I made sure I took notice of his talk (we talked via phone for the next year and a half). Bringing the same issues and circumstances wasn’t going to make this go around any different than the last and I was cognizant of this fact. We took our time filling each other out.
After living life apart and going through our respective experiences, a second chance has afforded us the opportunity to take those lessons learned and use for the benefit of our new relationship.
I agree with you 100% when you say that we know if a relationship is right for us. You can try and fool everyone else, but you can’t fool yourself. One thing close friends and family said throughout my situation was that “what’s meant to be will be.” Yes, old news can be new news when there are different and exciting new elements to the story!
Great comment! Thanks.
Emailed comment, Ms. Genevieve Whitehead: Old news can be fantastic news!
I personally have never had seconds when it comes to a relationship, at least not in the way you’ve described. I had given my ex a second chance, but not enough time passed by for old wounds to heal or anything like that. I agree 100% with you and am glad that I truly understand that you cannot change a man. No matter how hard you hope and pray, that is an impossible task. A man will change if and only if it is something he wants to do.
The pros and cons. I believe that “no mystery” is a gift and a curse. Being comfortable with someone is something that comes after time has been invested in a relationship. It is truly the best when, as nasty as it sounds, you can let one go in front of your man and no one says anything. And of course that is just one of many situations where the “comfort zone” comes into play. The bad side to that is because it is so familiar, there is less thought put into your decision making process. It is something that you are used to and allows you to fall right back into old habits or patterns.
Also, “he’s a friend of the family”, that can be a negative also. If your relationship ended on a really bad note, generally, you are going to want to vent. You probably won’t have very good things to say about the gentleman. Now your family has a bad impression of him, or they “hate” him because of what he did to you. The love and trust they had for him may no longer be there. Then it will make for an uncomfortable situation when the time comes for your family and your man to interact.
Really in reading this, the pros and cons really depend on the man and the relationship you had. Bottom line is old news can be fantastic news! Like you said, every relationship takes work, especially one that has previously failed. What God has for you is for you. Your ex might very well be the man God has for you. So I don’t think you should close the door on an individual with whom you’ve already been in a relationship, however be cautious.
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